Disclaimer:

Disclaimer: If you are easily offended by sheer honesty, or you think me having my own opinions is "being negative", then this is not the place for you, and I suggest you leave and head elsewhere. I call a spade a spade, and I don't sugarcoat anything.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

The Arrival of 2013

Well, nothing happened. The world, as we know it, was supposed to change. The only thing that has changed is my life. I had no idea my sister hated me. Or hates to be around me. She said the only thing she misses about us living together is she gets lonely traveling to different places alone. I didn't know she had some kind of a problem with me. She never mentioned it before. She never even let on that she was miserable. I always thought we were happy living together. She had her space and I had mine, she did what she wanted and I did what I wanted. She couldn't stay in Yellowstone because she admitted to both ma and pa that she missed being with the family. She didn't admit it to me though. I just don't know anymore what to believe. Perhaps if Anna had told me before that she was miserable, I would have been more understanding about her wanting to stay in Montana. We made decisions together about where to move to, and what we were going to do. Or so I thought. Never once did Anna say "No. I don't want to do this." or "No. I don't want to live there." She always seemed OK with the choices we made. But apparently, according to her, she was miserable the whole time. She told me not to take it personally, but this is what it all boils down to. There's just no other way I can take it.

Well, one thing Anna has to get used to, and that's not calling this place "home" anymore. This is not her home. She chooses to be a Montanan, so Montana is now her home. Just like if I were to move to Oregon and take up residence. I'd be calling that place home. And I am still considering it. But I cannot. Not until I finish business here. And Anna is so loony she kept talking about how I "got in trouble" with this blog, and she seemed to be enjoying blurting that out a bit too much. I kept telling her I did NOT get "in trouble" with this blog. Those people just got pissed. There's a big difference. Most of the people I offended on this blog, I don't give a shit about. They can stay pissed for all I care. But if I had gotten "in trouble" the way Anna wants to put it, I'd be in jail right now. And that is not going to happen. Only one person I offended I felt bad about, and that was Deb. But I did not even remember calling her dumb on this blog. And I found I did try to sugar-coat it when I wrote that post. She's probably the reason I've gotten soft now, because I did not want to hurt her, and when I found out I did, I felt bad about it. So now, I am kindof afraid to say something else hurtful to someone else I like. Or even just cross. If I felt the same way about Deb though as I feel about Andy or Kim, I would not have cared if I hurt her feelings and I would not be such a softie now. Sometimes I wish I did feel that way. I did not give a shit if Andy's feelings were hurt or if he was pissed off. I meant what I said about him and I am not sorry for it! Never will be. Andy thought he could shut me up by throwing a tantrum and acting like a gorilla. But in fact, he's given me much more power! LOL! And it feels good!! I hate that idiot! Always did, always will. When Angus died and I sent Andy a card, it wasn't Andy I cared about. It was Angus. Angus doesn't judge me. He was a good boy. I told my sister the next time Andy has a seizure, I hope it kills him. And I hope his final judgement will be just as harsh on him as his judgements of me and Anna has been. Then Andy can go on to Hell where he belongs. Karma can be a bitch!

I guess I should not say I hate him, I probably should just feel sorry for him and move on. He will have to face GOD one day for his actions. That won't be pretty. Because I will probably be there before him, and I will be standing by telling St. Peter that Andy was nothing better than a common bully, harassed me and my sister for no reason at all. Its not like I didn't meet him with an open mind. I try to give everyone a chance. I was nothing but nice and respectful to him. Any problems that arose were on his back, not mine. The only person in that building that really has any reason to hate me is Roger. I did call him some nasty names. That's why I did not take it personally when he called me names back. But you know what? I think Roger thinks I was in love with him, or something! When I figured that out I was like OMG! Apparently Roger took something I said on this blog the wrong way. Some time ago, in a past post, I was talking about the note I stuck on his door, and how I had enough love and respect for Roger to tell him the truth that I was the one who did it. Well, I think he read that and thought I was saying I was "in love" with him! OMG! And Roger does not seem like the type that is educated enough to know there are different kinds of love. GOD said to love your neighbor as you do yourself. Yeah! I know! I'm working on Andy. LOL! So that was what I meant. Not that I am "in love" with Roger!! Hell NO!!! Roger is no where near my type! He hates animals! And he's a wimp. I don't like wimpy men. I like men to have some muscle! And Roger is one of those truly unfortunate types that is not happy unless he is bitching about something. Can you imagine me dating a guy like him??? He'd come at me with his bitching attitude and I'd have to slap the shit out of him!

The only real friend Roger has there is this big, fat guy named Leon. I always equate looking at Leon to looking at a fiendish version of Humpty Dumpty. The guy must weigh about 800 pounds. His belly sags all the way down past his knees! Watching him walk though is almost hilarious. He sways like an egg from side to side. I may be fat, but I am nothing like Leon!! I hope I never get that big either! I swear 4 of me could fit well into his pants, and still have room for more! The day I get to be as fat as Leon, is the day I take myself out to a field and shoot myself! I never want to be that big! Anyway, the day I moved out of there, I was packing my truck and walking through the lobby, Roger and Leon were both there, and I saw Leon laughing, and he had a look on his face that was similar to the look I always saw the kids in school getting when one of their friends would get up in my face and say jokingly "so-n-so likes you!" I never believed them and I usually would just walk away without a word, because I knew it was nothing but the person being a jerk. But I would look and his idiot friends would be in the background looking at me and laughing. Well, Leon had that look on his face. Obviously Roger must have told Leon that I said in this blog that I was in love with Roger!! And I thought, "no wonder Leon was laughing! That's the silliest thing I ever heard too!" I was laughing myself! LOL! Everyone knows Roger is crazy. Even people that he apparently thinks are his friends knows he's crazy! And he must be crazy to think I was ever in love with him! It never would have happened. GOD said to love your neighbor, not to be in love with your neighbor! And not only that, I think Roger used to be a woman. I may not be married right now, but I am not gay either.

Well, my life changed once I left Bozeman. I never should have moved there in the first place. And I admit getting to where I am now was not easy, but it was an adventure, and I am here now, that's the important thing. I just wish I hadn't been so soft when I was living with Patti! There were times I wanted to tell her off so bad!! But I didn't because I wanted to make that deal work so bad, and I was afraid to say anything cross to her because of that, because I just know how I am when I get angry. I fly off the handle. I tend to scare people when I get angry, and I did not want to scare Patti. Looking back on it now, I should have said to myself "It's either her or me!" and if I get kicked out, then I just do. Before I moved to Bozeman, that would have been my attitude! And I would have acted on it and screamed at Patti so hard it would have scared the shit out of her. But I got softer there, and I just did not want to hurt another person I was supposed to like. I dunno, moving to Montana was the worst damn thing I ever did in my life! I should not have done it. It screwed me up so much!

Becoming friends with Karen though taught me something about myself. I know I am not the kind of person everyone takes to right away. That's because I have a serious distrust of strangers, and I don't usually open up to them immediately. Or I hide things about myself from them until I actually get to know them. Well, there are some things I'd rather only those closest to me knows first. But hearing Anna's testimony about me kinda has me wondering what she is telling people about me. Anna is the kind of person that always gives in, as long as the one being spoken negatively about is not herself. But she is always quick to elaborate heavily on other peoples' bad points. I know when Kathy was talking shit about me, Anna was agreeing with, and enabling, her. Anna said not one word in my defense, and I was not there to defend myself. One of the things my father told me that Kathy was pissed off about is that I left my sis in Montana alone with no one else. But Anna wanted to stay in Montana. I didn't. I hope Kathy knows that now! If we had moved to a good rental home, maybe in Missoula, I would not have minded Montana so much. But we moved to a complex in Bozeman, so far from home. I didn't like it. I wasn't happy. Anna can take care of herself, and so can I. The thing is I am not used to living in a complex. I couldn't get used to having people all around me. I'm not a people person. I am happy where I am now, once all the bugs are worked out! All my utilities are paid for, and at the end of 3 years, this RV will be mine!
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