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Disclaimer: If you are easily offended by sheer honesty, or you think me having my own opinions is "being negative", then this is not the place for you, and I suggest you leave and head elsewhere. I call a spade a spade, and I don't sugarcoat anything.

Friday, August 30, 2013

Depression vs. Disability

I've been suffering some depression for most of my life. I remember sometimes as a child I would just all-out start crying for no reason whatsoever. It could have been just simple growing-pains, or it could have been the first onset of what was to come. As an adult, I've suffered less and less of the sadness, but it still comes and goes. It can come on heavy, like after I lost my Groucho, or it can come on very light like sometimes I just feel a little tingle of sadness. Sometimes I just don't feel it at all. I can be feeling average (I don't like to say "normal" as someone suffering depression), and sometimes I can just burst out laughing for what ever reason. Either I am having a funny thought, or I just feel happy. Some non-shrinks have said I am more like bi-polar. I think though bi-polar is worse than simple depression. I've seen bi-polar people, ol' Andy back in Bozeman was bi-polar. His sadness ALWAYS manifested into extreme anger, and he would get angry over little, petty things that should not have mattered to him. And I truly believe Patti was bi-polar, though she refused to admit it, she had all the signs of someone who was. Patti just wanted everyone to think she had no problems at all.

I remember before I moved in with Patti, I told her ahead of time that I do tend to suffer some depression, but that it is not an everyday problem with me. Only occasionally now. Patti responded with "Well, that would be the time I would say to you, 'let's go shopping or out for a drive' until you feel better." I think that was the comment that cinched the deal and made me decide to move in with her. That comment alone made Patti sound like a lot of fun. Made her sound like the kind of person I wanted to live with. Because up until I moved from Bozeman, my sis and I did all that. I really thought Patti was going to be the big sister I was craving to have again. But after I moved in with her, she proved not to be all she said she was. Instead of being the person who would take me out shopping when I felt depressed, Patti was more thinking "Oh good! I love catching depressed people! I want to have all of them around me so I can make them feel even more miserable like I do with my own pathetic life!" I know Patti was hoping she would hurt my feelings by kicking me out, but instead by my last 2 days with her I hated it there so much, it would have been more depressing to me if I'd had to stay there. Patti didn't even seem to like me talking to the neighbors! When I told her I met one of her neighbors, she gave me a disgusted groan.

How could I ever expect Patti to do anything to make me feel better during one of my bouts of depression when she was worse off than I was? Of course when I consented to move in with her, I had no idea she was bi-polar. Patti told a LOT of lies (and I do mean a LOT) to get me to move in with her, because she said if I hadn't come along, she would be living in her van. I didn't answer her ad, she answered mine. She told me the only people who answered her ad on Craigslist were people from Nigeria who wanted her to send them the key to her place. Well, Patti was so mixed up, she would have sent them a key that did not work on any lock in that house! Believe me, I know! The one key she gave me that she claimed was the house key, did not open any door that I tried in that house. When I went out for a walk, I had to leave the door unlocked while I went out, and hurry back before she got home from work. I didn't want Patti to find out I left the house with the door unlocked. I didn't want her bitching at me for it! LOL!

Patti still never told me she was bi-polar. I guess she hoped I wouldn't figure it out. But I know what bi-polar looks like, and Patti was the poster child for the disorder! I may have used to have been bi-polar, I don't know, when you are young it's harder to tell because young people typically get outrageously angry over little things too. It comes natural to them. But since I am much older now, I find I still suffer from some depression, but I don't get so angry over little things anymore. Now, I tend to laugh those things off. In fact now, it's almost impossible to make me angry. Well, maybe I shouldn't say impossible, but little petty things don't upset me in any ways anymore. I've learned to laugh at the little annoyances. Heck, people can call me names and post my pics and videos up I don't care. Doesn't bother me at all. I remember how angry I used to get when people talked about me behind my back. But ya know, since I post blogs up and videos as well, I've become something of a celebrity. Sort of! But being in the public light, one has to expect people to talk about them behind their back. So, I don't get angry at that anymore.

Now, depressed or not, there are some things I would be suspicious about if they were to happen to me. But suspicious does not equal anger. Like on my last post before I went to Reno, I mentioned this friend of mine who said someone she didn't know who created a page on Facebook for her. I believe she knew who that person was, very much so! Because if someone did that with me, I would not take it so lightly. I would have at least liked to know who the person behind the creation of that page was, and what their intentions were. Even if it's a Timmyfan-hate site, I'd still like to know. I don't think I would use that site either. If it's a hate site, it's not my business to know what someone else thinks of me. Even if it's a Timmyfan-love site, I still don't think I would join. I'm just not interested in knowing what others think of me. So, I don't go around the internet and look for stuff like that. I'm like JD. Just let it go. I don't want to hear (or see) a word of it! LOL! I barely read any comments on my YouTube anymore. I just accept them, and if they are nice comments, I respond. If they are hateful comments, I usually just ignore them. I am no longer responding to hateful comments, though I have begun to accept them on my videos again. Somewhat! It depends on how I feel. If I feel good, I accept any comment. If I feel bad, I don't accept rude comments because then I know I will be tempted to respond, and I only respond to nice comments now. There's an almost 100% chance the person leaving the negative comments is nothing but a troll, and their intent is to piss me off, so I just don't give them that satisfaction anymore. I just accept their comment and smile. :D

Well, is depression a disability? I say yes. Just because it is not physical does not mean it's not a disability. Depression, I have found, does indeed interfere with a person's daily routine. Some days I don't even feel like getting out of bed. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I can't. My mind and body won't let me. I actually hate staying in bed! But some days, that's all I feel like doing. I never really wanted to kill myself, not before Groucho died. After I lost her, I didn't care if I lived or died. I was able to pull through it then because I had friends and family living close by. I dread the day to come that either Vegas or Minnie dies! I might go through what I went through with Groucho's death, and this time, I might not get out of it. Kinda scares me a little. I've never had to face anything like that alone. But I don't want to think about that now. LOL! I'll just have to wait and see what happens. Hopefully it won't be soon though!

Yes there are days I feel sad, but then there are also days I don't experience any sadness at all. The problem with depression is most people carry the feeling of sadness for too long. The one thing that makes me happiest is my dogs. That's why I keep them. :) Also, music makes me feel good. So does the right kind of TV shows. Or sometimes when I feel sad, I watch an even sadder program, and sometimes seeing how bad things in the world can get makes me feel like my problems are not that significant. At least temporarily. I'm not saying that's a cure for depression, but it's a way that helps me cope with it. It works with me anyways.
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