I was watching my sis's video about her trip to Las Vegas last night. One thing I remember about that outing was that I could not go. It was supposed to be her 40th birthday outing and I could not go with her. Did you ever spend months planning something very special and set a date, get everything ready and paid for, and could not wait to do that something, and then the day you are supposed to do that something, something else happens to ruin all your plans? Well, that is what happened on that trip to Las Vegas. The day before we were set to leave, I had a headache. Nothing major, just a headache, and feeling a mite sluggish. But the day we left for the trip, I woke up with a nasty-ass cold!! At first I thought nothing of it. I am a fighter, I thought for sure I can still go on this trip, even though I had a cold. I wasn't about to let a cold stop me from going on this trip! We got in our car, drove to the car rental place, packed all our things in the rental, and headed off on our road trip to Vegas. I could not wait to get down there!
Well, as the drive wore on, I began feeling worse and worse. I started sneezing, coughing, my head hurt, my eyes hurt, I could not stay awake, all my energy was drained, and I had a stuffy feeling in my head and chest. When I would cough, I would cough up junk. It was not the runny stuff that is easy to cough up. This felt more like trying to cough up a gum drop. We had gotten as far as Salem, OR and I told my sis I just could not go on any longer. So, she had to drive me all the way back to Ocean Shores. I felt bad because I was going to try and make it. But I just couldn't. It was dark when we got back to Ocean Shores, and I had to take all my baggage out of the trunk. My sis gathered some more of the things she wanted to take with her and went off to Vegas on her own. I allowed her to go and enjoy herself, and just not think about me. Think about this as the perfect weekend she never got to have, and I was giving to her as her birthday gift.
Well, she made a video of her trip to Vegas. One thing she kept saying repeatedly was that she missed me, and that she was sad because I was not there. For a second, she mentioned, she even wanted to kill herself. That was only her thought for a second, she is not normally suicidal. I thought about what she said, and I think about how things are now, and I get a little sad because now, she has left me. We don't have that opportunity to do things together anymore like we used to. I'd been living with her for so long, now that she's gone, I'd like to have her back. Sitting alone in that house at night gets pretty dang lonely sometimes. I've run through every movie and series that I have, over and over again. I am bored now with playing DVDs. It especially gets lonely at night, when there is nothing else to do, and the only company I have is the dogs. I know my sis knows the feeling, because she seems to have felt the same way in the video.
That's one of the things I now talk about with my counselor, how I crave company sometimes when I cannot get it. I said that if this separation had happened when I was in my 20s, things would have been different. I would have been able to adjust to it much better. But now that I am getting older, and have no companions available at all hours (I am not married or anything), it gets rather lonely. And scary! When I first moved into this place, I had fixed myself some dinner, and I was eating. Well something distracted me and I choked on a piece of food. I could not breathe! I got up and performed an act of self-Heimlich maneuvers on myself and got my windpipe cleared again. But I keep thinking about what if I hadn't been able to do that? What if my throat hadn't got cleared up? I'd have been dead and the dogs would be trapped there alone! No one would have been able to get them out of there, and eventually they would have died with me. That's sad and scary to think about. Things I didn't really worry about when I had family living here.
I asked my sis if she doesn't miss living together even just a little bit, and she said she only missed me when we used to take trips together. That was fun. But I find it hard to believe she doesn't miss me any other way except for the trips we used to take. I thought it was moving to Ocean Shores that made us grow apart. She said it was before we moved to Ocean Shores. But that cannot be true, because we lived in Ocean Shores when she took that that trip to Vegas. If our relationship had grown apart before then, she would not have missed me at all to the point where she wanted to kill herself! When she was visiting here last Christmas, I wanted to know what grew her farther apart from me, and she basically said I bullied her. I asked her to reiterate, because I don't recall ever bullying her. Today we started talking in chat about bullies, and I told her what a bully is. Patti was a bully. Patti did things to me that I would never have done to anyone else. She even decided she didn't like me because we don't eat the same things. I think she also blew her top because she wanted to buy a bottle of booze and I would not pay for it. I couldn't!
If I had been a vegan, I would have understood Patti not wanting a roommate that doesn't eat the same things she does, but I am not a vegan. Vegans tend to be preachy and pushy and I am not that. I don't even want a vegan living in my house! If I'd had kids, the instant one of them told me they are going vegan, I would say to that kid, "OK fine. But get out of my house! I won't have no vegans living here!" I'd even help that kid pack. If I take in roommates, one thing I won't allow is a vegan. Since vegans don't believe in killing any animals, they'd probably bring in fleas, bedbugs, cockroaches, lice and all kinds of other parasites, and simply moving them outside will NOT keep them away. A vegan can go live with another vegan and share their parasites with each other, they won't be welcome to stay in my house. One thing I especially HATE with a passion is cockroaches. I see one in my house and I am OUT! I thought I saw one last night in my house, I killed the damn thing. But it turned out to be just a large beetle. But cockroaches will drive me out of a house quicker than anything. I won't even visit a vegan in their house for fear of the same thing.
Well, it seemed my sis accused me of trying to run her life, and I never did that. I am not like that! When my ma was living with me for a few months, even she was impressed that I did not butt into her business. That is just not how I am. I never was. I do what I do, I help people, I said my sis was more than welcome to join me in a project, or a trip, I try to help people make good choices by giving my opinion, but I was never a bully about it. I never said to anyone that if they don't do what I say I was going to kick them out. I never said that to anyone in my life. I remember in my old Chihuahua group, I kicked one person out after we had a spat, but it wasn't because she would not do what I said, or didn't listen to me. It was because she was saying shit like I don't deserve my dogs just because I don't agree with mixing breeds on purpose, and I felt that was totally disrespectful and uncalled for. Actually, I was just going to suspend her for a few days so she could cool off, but her friend said she was not interested in coming back to the group, so I said OK. That girl thought I kicked her out because she could not see things my way, but she was totally wrong. I never would have kicked her out at all if she had never said I don't deserve my dogs for such an asinine reason as what she said it for. I don't even dislike that person. I just think she needs to get her values straight. People like that, just because you don't agree with them, and let them know it, they think you are either attacking them or being negative.
But I digress. Anyone who thinks I bully them, look at all my posts on here about Patti and compare what I did to them as opposed to what Patti did to me. Patti was a real bully. I am not. I don't even like confrontations. I just give my opinion, and the listener can take it or leave it. Fine with me. But I am going to give it, in hopes the listener can think about what they are doing before they do it. But I would never bully someone just because we disagree. I will stand up for myself and agree to disagree, but I don't have the attitude like "it's my way or the highway." That's just not me. And I don't bully.
Well, as the drive wore on, I began feeling worse and worse. I started sneezing, coughing, my head hurt, my eyes hurt, I could not stay awake, all my energy was drained, and I had a stuffy feeling in my head and chest. When I would cough, I would cough up junk. It was not the runny stuff that is easy to cough up. This felt more like trying to cough up a gum drop. We had gotten as far as Salem, OR and I told my sis I just could not go on any longer. So, she had to drive me all the way back to Ocean Shores. I felt bad because I was going to try and make it. But I just couldn't. It was dark when we got back to Ocean Shores, and I had to take all my baggage out of the trunk. My sis gathered some more of the things she wanted to take with her and went off to Vegas on her own. I allowed her to go and enjoy herself, and just not think about me. Think about this as the perfect weekend she never got to have, and I was giving to her as her birthday gift.
Well, she made a video of her trip to Vegas. One thing she kept saying repeatedly was that she missed me, and that she was sad because I was not there. For a second, she mentioned, she even wanted to kill herself. That was only her thought for a second, she is not normally suicidal. I thought about what she said, and I think about how things are now, and I get a little sad because now, she has left me. We don't have that opportunity to do things together anymore like we used to. I'd been living with her for so long, now that she's gone, I'd like to have her back. Sitting alone in that house at night gets pretty dang lonely sometimes. I've run through every movie and series that I have, over and over again. I am bored now with playing DVDs. It especially gets lonely at night, when there is nothing else to do, and the only company I have is the dogs. I know my sis knows the feeling, because she seems to have felt the same way in the video.
That's one of the things I now talk about with my counselor, how I crave company sometimes when I cannot get it. I said that if this separation had happened when I was in my 20s, things would have been different. I would have been able to adjust to it much better. But now that I am getting older, and have no companions available at all hours (I am not married or anything), it gets rather lonely. And scary! When I first moved into this place, I had fixed myself some dinner, and I was eating. Well something distracted me and I choked on a piece of food. I could not breathe! I got up and performed an act of self-Heimlich maneuvers on myself and got my windpipe cleared again. But I keep thinking about what if I hadn't been able to do that? What if my throat hadn't got cleared up? I'd have been dead and the dogs would be trapped there alone! No one would have been able to get them out of there, and eventually they would have died with me. That's sad and scary to think about. Things I didn't really worry about when I had family living here.
I asked my sis if she doesn't miss living together even just a little bit, and she said she only missed me when we used to take trips together. That was fun. But I find it hard to believe she doesn't miss me any other way except for the trips we used to take. I thought it was moving to Ocean Shores that made us grow apart. She said it was before we moved to Ocean Shores. But that cannot be true, because we lived in Ocean Shores when she took that that trip to Vegas. If our relationship had grown apart before then, she would not have missed me at all to the point where she wanted to kill herself! When she was visiting here last Christmas, I wanted to know what grew her farther apart from me, and she basically said I bullied her. I asked her to reiterate, because I don't recall ever bullying her. Today we started talking in chat about bullies, and I told her what a bully is. Patti was a bully. Patti did things to me that I would never have done to anyone else. She even decided she didn't like me because we don't eat the same things. I think she also blew her top because she wanted to buy a bottle of booze and I would not pay for it. I couldn't!
If I had been a vegan, I would have understood Patti not wanting a roommate that doesn't eat the same things she does, but I am not a vegan. Vegans tend to be preachy and pushy and I am not that. I don't even want a vegan living in my house! If I'd had kids, the instant one of them told me they are going vegan, I would say to that kid, "OK fine. But get out of my house! I won't have no vegans living here!" I'd even help that kid pack. If I take in roommates, one thing I won't allow is a vegan. Since vegans don't believe in killing any animals, they'd probably bring in fleas, bedbugs, cockroaches, lice and all kinds of other parasites, and simply moving them outside will NOT keep them away. A vegan can go live with another vegan and share their parasites with each other, they won't be welcome to stay in my house. One thing I especially HATE with a passion is cockroaches. I see one in my house and I am OUT! I thought I saw one last night in my house, I killed the damn thing. But it turned out to be just a large beetle. But cockroaches will drive me out of a house quicker than anything. I won't even visit a vegan in their house for fear of the same thing.
Well, it seemed my sis accused me of trying to run her life, and I never did that. I am not like that! When my ma was living with me for a few months, even she was impressed that I did not butt into her business. That is just not how I am. I never was. I do what I do, I help people, I said my sis was more than welcome to join me in a project, or a trip, I try to help people make good choices by giving my opinion, but I was never a bully about it. I never said to anyone that if they don't do what I say I was going to kick them out. I never said that to anyone in my life. I remember in my old Chihuahua group, I kicked one person out after we had a spat, but it wasn't because she would not do what I said, or didn't listen to me. It was because she was saying shit like I don't deserve my dogs just because I don't agree with mixing breeds on purpose, and I felt that was totally disrespectful and uncalled for. Actually, I was just going to suspend her for a few days so she could cool off, but her friend said she was not interested in coming back to the group, so I said OK. That girl thought I kicked her out because she could not see things my way, but she was totally wrong. I never would have kicked her out at all if she had never said I don't deserve my dogs for such an asinine reason as what she said it for. I don't even dislike that person. I just think she needs to get her values straight. People like that, just because you don't agree with them, and let them know it, they think you are either attacking them or being negative.
But I digress. Anyone who thinks I bully them, look at all my posts on here about Patti and compare what I did to them as opposed to what Patti did to me. Patti was a real bully. I am not. I don't even like confrontations. I just give my opinion, and the listener can take it or leave it. Fine with me. But I am going to give it, in hopes the listener can think about what they are doing before they do it. But I would never bully someone just because we disagree. I will stand up for myself and agree to disagree, but I don't have the attitude like "it's my way or the highway." That's just not me. And I don't bully.
1 comment:
Looking back on that trip, I think we should have postponed it until we both got better. That way you would have gone to Vegas too.
Think about this, it was very painful for me to drive all the way home with a cold and constantly knocking out at the wheel. I wasn't feeling good, but I knew I had to get back to OS. That was the only thing that kept me going, that and Odessa.
Yes, I was sad that you were not there with me because I planned this for the both of us. Its not your fault you got sick, but I should have said "no, not until you get better."
I caught your cold two days later and I had to cut the trip short. I was upset about it and I wasn't thinking straight. In a small way, I am glad you didn't go. You wouldn't want to see me drive home with a cold and getting frustrated when I made a wrong turn because that's what I did. It was a nightmare driving home.
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