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Disclaimer: If you are easily offended by sheer honesty, or you think me having my own opinions is "being negative", then this is not the place for you, and I suggest you leave and head elsewhere. I call a spade a spade, and I don't sugarcoat anything.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Disillusioned

Wow! I realized it's been over a month since I made my last blog post! I just didn't have much to say. Then my computer had to be sent in for repairs. So I was without it for a while. And the library here is not like it was in Port Angeles. At the library in PA, I could get on a computer and stay on there all day if I wanted to. Here, as in most places, they only give you an hour on their computer. Sometimes I wish I had never left Port Angeles! LOL! But I didn't like my living arrangements. But at least now I know what living in an RV is like. I wasn't too crazy about it, because of the constant leaks and dampness, mold and mildew, and bugs!!

I dunno, I think I'm just getting bored with blogs. Just a natural cycle. I've been working more on my stories. I want to get them all done and onto the site. This past week, I've finished 3 stories and put them up on the site. This is not an entirely easy process either. Everything has to be just perfect. One story I completed, I began in 1991, and it remained unfinished until this year. I even had a little bit of my ma's help finishing the story. It was a story that had a lot of potential, but it sat unfinished for many years. A lot of my stories back then were like that. That is why I am so bad at endings, I never got the practice I needed early on. Well, I am getting better. Some of the best stories I have written, I am beginning to complete them. Some have even been unfinished for many, many years. Yet if I think there is potential in the story, I don't throw it away. I figure eventually I will come up with an ending. So, I keep those stories. The only time I scrap stories is if I think they're going nowhere.

Ma came over and stayed for the week last week, I had to go down to California for something very important. She came and took me there when I needed it. For that I thank her very much. She will never know how much I appreciated that. I enjoy going on rides with her. We talk most of the way. Well, one of the things we talked about was INXS. She is still bothered by me kissing my Timmy and Hutch pics. hehehehe! She says it's sickening. Well, I love these guys, and the only way I can show affection to them, since I don't have either Michael or Timmy with me, is to kiss their pics. Ma brought up "Do you think (Timmy) is kissing and swooning over your picture? Believe me, he's NOT!" Believe me, I know that!! I said to her "Frankly, I don't care if Timmy sees my picture and wants to punch it. It doesn't change how I feel about him." I understand Timmy does not carry around pics of me. I know I am not the love of his life, and I know I don't want to be either. He's married!! I understand that. I don't love Michael OR Timmy in that way. There are different kinds of love. There is the kind of love a wife feels for her husband. There is the kind of love a mother feels for her child. There is the kind of love a boy feels for his dog. There is the kind of love a friend feels for another friend. There is the kind of love a sister feels for her brother. And there is the kind of love a girl feels for a favorite celebrity. The kind of love I feel for Michael and Timmy is more along the lines of being puppy-love. It's less than what lovers feel, but more than what friends feel. It's more comparable to how a dog feels towards it's master.

I told ma the reason I talk to my pics of my favorite guys is because I truly feel pictures capture the soul. I feel like a piece of their spirit is within those pics. It's a comforting feeling. Even when I was not into INXS, I still felt like a bit of their spirit was attached to those pics. That feeling I had about Michael in 1995 did not just happen. It was a strong feeling. And for someone who was not a close friend of his, I was amazed at how accurate it was. And 2 months before he died, I began getting strong feelings about him again, and I didn't know why, after barely even thinking about them for 5 years. Something had to be telling me something. I think it was his spirit. The piece of his spirit that was attached to those pics. As crazy as that may sound, there is just no other way I can explain having such strong feelings towards him. When I lived with Patti and Chris on that job back in 1992, I kept a pic of INXS over my bed. It provided some degree of comfort. But strangely enough, I did not totally dismiss INXS after I lost that job like I did every other rock group I had been into when I had that job. I even dismissed Dian Fossey! And I never thought ANYTHING would make me dismiss her!!! She's my one big idol! She's the one I always looked up to. Well, I reinstated her as my idol again after a 2 year break. But Roxette, that I had been such a huge fan of before, I dropped them. MC Hammer, I used to like him before I had that job, not after I lost that job. New Kids on the Block I was also once a fan of. Not no more after I lost that job. The only one I remained even halfway faithful to was INXS.

I haven't been into any of those groups since I lost that job. The only one that I did put away after I lost that job that I got back into was Dian Fossey, and I am afraid it may be just because I am hopelessly devoted to her. I admire her strength. Though it was that strength that was her death warrant, still, one has to admire strength like that. I draw a lot of my own strength from her's, and I've gotten better over the years. Thanks to the inspiration I got from her. I also learn a lot from watching such shows as Judge Judy. But Dian Fossey stood her ground all the way up to the end. I wish I had done much more of that in my life time!! For that reason, I love her to pieces!! One of the things that made her so strong, she was not a people-person. So she pretty much didn't care what others thought of her. That's the way I've been lately. I don't need people, don't really care for them either. When you reach that point in your life, believe me, it makes life a lot more enjoyable! I have friends and I do love them. But at the same time, I can also take people or leave them. Doesn't matter to me. I'm beyond that point now. I still feel very proud of the way I stood my ground after the dirty dozen mob told the people in Bozeman about this blog. I'm just tickled pink that I held up even after Andy's attacks on me, and Roger's name-calling. I love it that I did not back down. That shows how much stronger I am than I ever thought I was! Probably even stronger than the dirty dozen mob thought I was! I know they revealed my blog there believing I was going to weaken, plead for mercy and apologize to everyone. But no, that did not happen. The only person I apologized to was Deb, and that was it. I even told her flat out I was not going to apologize to her husband. It made him angrier, but I didn't care. He was the one who was wrong in this case. Not me. I did very well holding my ground against him and everyone else there. But again, I learned from the best! Thank you Dian Fossey!!

If I ever wind up dead for speaking my mind, just add me to the long list of people who died fighting for what they believe in. That will be my honor, and I will deem it a pleasure. Hopefully it will help bring awareness in some small way to what I am battling for. Small things like that soon turn into big things. Those big things eventually get worked out to everyone's satisfaction.
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