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Disclaimer: If you are easily offended by sheer honesty, or you think me having my own opinions is "being negative", then this is not the place for you, and I suggest you leave and head elsewhere. I call a spade a spade, and I don't sugarcoat anything.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Little Memory Bits

Sometimes I sit and think of things and long-lost memories seem to come back at random times. Sometimes they are triggered by little things in my environment. Sometimes they come back in dreams, and then I wake up thinking "Oh! I remember that now!" Now that I am getting older, things that I have long forgotten are beginning to come back to me. And all my life, I've heard  nothing but "When you get older, you forget things more and more!" My grandma was a great visual aid to that concept. But now that I am in my 40s, I'm finding things I haven't thought of in years, even things I've forgotten, are beginning to come back to me. This morning, I've had one such flashback. It was once again about Michael, and it was triggered by looking at one of my oldest pics I still have of him and the gang. It was seemingly insignificant at the time because I was not fully into INXS, though it happened at a time I was beginning to get back into them. It happened on November 23, 1997.

That was the day me and my sis spent with ma in Buckley. She had come up from Salem to spend the weekend with us and grandma. Well she spent Saturday, the 22nd with grandma, and she spent Sunday, the 23rd, with me and my sis, and we went to Buckley. Buckley is a small town, but we managed to find an antique store that was open. We went inside and had some fun. One of the things about that trip that I remember the most was when I went upstairs and there was a big, old western-style saddle. I hopped on it and pretended to be riding a horse, like a real cowgirl! LOL! There was even an old cowboy hat, and I put it on. hehehe! That was my kiddie-style fun! The last thing on my mind was INXS. The saddle cost $25 and if I'd had it at the time, I would have bought it! Just because of that memory! Especially knowing now what was about to be in store for me the next day!

Well, that night, ma decided to leave back for Salem, and my sis and I were on our own. Now, this is the memory that came back to me from that night. Every night, I usually would go back into the family room, which was a room converted from part of the old garage. I usually kept my pics, stories and drawings back there. I had one pic of INXS back then. Only one. And it was covered with dust. At that time, I had just begun to get back into those guys, and it had been coming on little by little. That night, I dusted off that picture, and I started to look at the image of Michael. Then I remember I started to feel sad. I looked at him as if it were the last time I would ever see him. I thought then, I was feeling sad because ma was gone back to Salem, and I wouldn't see her again for a couple weeks. That usually happened. Especially after such a fun day as we had that day. Keep in mind, at this time, I had no idea Michael was already dead, and had been dead since the day before, Saturday the 22nd. I could not figure out why looking at his image on that picture made me feel so sad.

It wasn't until around midnight the next night I found out Michael was gone. It was a complete shocker to me! This is one of those memories that had been stashed away in my memory bank and forgotten until just this morning, when I was looking at his picture again. A picture I have now seen many times, and still hadn't thought of that memory. It only just came back to me this morning. I can't say for sure what triggered that memory, like I said, they've been coming back to me at random times, a little at a time. I have the distinctive feeling more may still yet come. Lots of things happened during that time period when I was just beginning to love INXS again in 1997. I didn't even care that Princess Diana was gone! Everyone who has seen these blogs for the past 10 years knows how I am when I begin to fall in love with someone, or something. IT becomes the only thing on my mind! Nothing else is important. But I was never a fan of Princess Diana to begin with. So, her death meant nothing to me anyways.

All these little memories are starting to come back to me now, even though it is too late to act on them, as far as being with Michael was concerned. But I would have killed to have had a chance to marry him. No other man has ever made me feel the way Michael did. I haven't been in love with another man since the first time I saw Michael. I would have fought Paula to the death to get him! Believe me! I'm not even a violent person! But I would have killed for him, that's for sure! Michael was the only man I ever fell in absolute love with on first sight. I heard when the right man comes along, the woman knows it. Well, I think Michael was my man. Though I often wonder how many other women can say they had the same exact feeling the first time they saw Michael. I'm sure I wasn't the only one. I was thin back then, and supposedly beautiful (lots of other men and boys had the hots for me) though I've always been self-conscious of my looks. I never thought I was beautiful, which is probably why I never went for Michael. I figured he'd look at me and think the same thing. Besides the fact that rock stars never marry fans. I knew that, even back then. But then again, look at Paula. She was perhaps uglier than I ever was, and Michael fell for her. So, looking at what he eventually wound up with (that also eventually killed him), I think maybe I should have acted on my hunch. Perhaps I would be Mrs. Michael Hutchence by now, and Michael himself would still be alive today!
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