Disclaimer: If you are easily offended by sheer honesty, or you think me having my own opinions is "being negative", then this is not the place for you, and I suggest you leave and head elsewhere. I call a spade a spade, and I don't sugarcoat anything.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Feeling Now

Losing a parent really changes you. I have been saying for years I felt blessed to be my age and have both my parents still with me. Even though I know several people my age, and some even younger, who lost one or both their parents. I always felt bad for them, and cried with them when they lost their family member. Shoot I even know several people my age, or close, who've lost siblings! Its always sad, but you never really know how it feels until it's happened in your own family. I lost my grandma in 2001, just before the 9/11 tragedy. Of course I cried for days, but I think in a small way, you are always somewhat prepared to lose a grandparent, just because they are older. But we tend to think of our parents as being immortal, I guess. My ma is still here with us, but having lost my pa, now I wonder how much longer has ma got to live? How long will it be before I lose her too?

I almost did not get to see my dad. My ma called me on Saturday morning and told me that dad hasn't got much longer. I knew that, because Kathy told me and my sis that the doctor gave him days to live. Not months. Not weeks. Not a year.... Days! I felt like my guts had been wrenched out! Ma asked me how soon I can make it to Salem to catch a bus. I told her I don't know. I thought Salem was too far. I thought it would be best to go to Portland instead. But ma insisted I go to Salem to catch the bus. I knew I could have caught a bus to Portland, but had no idea if there was one going to Salem from here. There was never one that I knew of. So ma asked me to call Lulu, my friend I made at the shelter, offer her $50 to take me to and from Salem and get there as fast as I could. So, I called Lulu and asked her if she was free that day. At first she said she had other things to do. But then I told her I need to get to Salem that day, it was an emergency. I had to catch a bus to go see my father before he passed. So, Lulu agreed to drop everything and rush right over. Meanwhile, ma gave me $50 to give to Lulu.

Lulu showed up and I got into her car, told her about how my father only has days to live and I was supposed to catch a bus to Arizona. After ma put the money in my account, she told me to call Kathy's daughter, my stepsister, and so that is what I did. That was when I found out that I was not supposed to leave on Saturday, but instead on Sunday. So, I apologized to Lulu and her husband, Darrell, who was also there, and asked them to come back and pick me up around 11AM the next day, as I was supposed to catch the bus at 2PM and it takes 2 hours to drive from Tillamook to Salem. So, I went back home after buying dinner for myself, and Darrell and Lulu got something as well. After that, they spent $20 on gas, and had another $20 left over for the next day, which was supposed to be for gas. So, I had to sit at home and wait one more day.

The next day was when the fiasco began. About 10AM, I texted Lulu to remind her to come and pick me up at 11AM. Well, she called me and said Darrell was in the hospital with a broken ankle because he fell the night before and she had no idea how long it was going to take. Now, Lulu was talking about that I have to give her another $30. I asked her what happened to the last of that $50 I gave her the day before. That was supposed to be used only for gas and dinner, which they bought dinner for themselves the day before. They should have had another $20 left. But I found out later that Lulu used that money to buy cigarettes!! I was PISSED!!!!! To say the least! I did not give her that money for some dumb cigarettes! I gave her that money for gas! And $40 would have given them enough gas to get to Salem and back to Tillamook nicely, and then they could use $10 to buy themselves some dinner. I would have been fine with that. But NOT SOME DAMN CIGARETTES!!!!!!

I was already angry now, because it was coming up on 11AM and they still had not shown up. I was afraid I was going to miss my bus! Thus I may not get to see my father and say a final farewell to him. I texted Lulu again and reminded her that I have to get to Salem. She called me back and said I can still get to Salem in time to catch the bus, but Darrell had to have some x-rays done. I asked her if there was any way they could hurry that up because getting to Salem was really important to me now. She said we cannot rush this and then hung up on me. I was getting scared. I didn't know what else to do or whom else to turn to. So I phoned my ma. I was crying at the time, because I was afraid I was not going to get to see my father before he passed. Ma was wondering why Lulu would not just leave Darrell at the hospital while she takes me to Salem, then come back and pick him up after I've been dropped off. I told her it's because Lulu is afraid Darrell is going to yell at her. Ma asked "Does she not understand how serious this is?!" I told her that I think Darrell is doing this on purpose! Every time I want Lulu for something, he always has to get involved. I think he fell and hurt his foot just for attention. I don't doubt he was in pain, but I really and truly believe he just did it so all the attention would be focused on himself.

Well, ma told me to call Lulu back and stand firm. So, I did. I told Lulu she either has to take me to Salem today, or give me all my money back today because that was the deal. Well, they finally arrived around 12:30! I was so mad at Darrell though, I could not even look at him! Let alone talk to him or hear him talking! But I remained calm and civil. I tried! It was not easy at times. He and I argued all the way there because I had to give those fools $30 more!! He wanted to spend it on the most expensive gas in the town! But I saved them 13 cents more per gallon by going to Fred Meyers, which is just about a mile from the expensive gas station. But Darrell fussed the whole time about that. I said to him "If you want the expensive gas, you can pay for it!" He yelled back "No! Because we're using our own car!" I reminded him that he has $50 of my money! Now another $30 more. So that is $70 they have of my money! I could have rented a car for that much and drove myself. Darrell seemed to think I am made of money. They were the ones who spent the money I gave them foolishly! I was MAD!!!! I wanted to choke Darrell.

We argued off and on the whole time during that trip. Darrell made a joke about how he never wants his car to leave his sight. I reminded him how he lived in Wheeler while Lulu was in Tillamook. Darrell interestingly commented saying "That was an emergency." I told him "Well this is an emergency too! You're still alive. My father is going to be dead in a few days!" That was when Lulu said something that really pissed me off. She said when her brother was dying he didn't want to see anyone anyways. I wanted to say "My father is NOT your brother! My father loves me!" but I was so stunned Lulu would say something like that and mean it, I was speechless! But I was mad! Every time Darrell and I would argue, Lulu would tell the both of us to shut up. But I was angry, and rightfully so! I'll never get another chance to see my father! She's going to have Darrell there for a lot longer than I was going to have my father! And there I was in the back of their car, worried sick that I was going to miss my bus and not be able to exchange the ticket for a later time. It was a non-refundable, non-transferable ticket. So, I didn't know what was going to happen now.

Ironically enough, Darrell is also an INXS fan. But he's as bad a fan as the damn Yatesfags!! He does not follow Michael's code of ethics! Michael was all about peace and love. Darrell is all about how much attention he can get out of this, and how much money he can get from someone. I guarantee if Michael's job was to get me to Salem as fast as possible, he would have done it! No questions asked, no arguments, and if Darrell had had other plans, Michael would have gladly left him in the hospital to take me to Salem in time to catch my bus, and then swung by after he was done to pick up Darrell. No matter what Darrell would have said in the end or how angry he would have gotten. That's what a decent person does! Decent people also do not steal money from someone who makes less money than they do, to waste on some stupid-ass cigarettes!!!! And yes, I consider that last $20 stolen money! They could have used that for gas like they were supposed to, instead of asking me for another $30. It was a darn good thing I had it, otherwise I might never have gotten to see my father!

It was 3PM before we got to the bus station. I had already missed the bus I was supposed to be on, and there was no one attending the bus station when I got there, and they would not be there until 7PM. I was given a number to call, so I did. I got the operator at the bus' national headquarters, but she said my ticket was voided, and I had to wait to speak to an attendant. She said even then, there is no guarantee I would be able to switch the time of my ticket. Well I made Lulu and Darrell wait with me! Darrell of course fussed about it the whole time saying "I want to go home!" I told him I had to wait until the bus' office opened again, and if I cannot exchange my ticket, they would have to drive me home. So, we waited out the 4 hours together. I made them do it. No way was I going to let them leave me stranded there after getting me there late! My father's spirit would not let me let them get away with that! But that whole time, I prayed heavily to GOD that they would let me on the next bus.

When 7PM finally did roll around, I went inside. There was finally someone in the bus station's office. I went up with tears in my eyes and begged and pleaded with them to exchange my ticket. I told them my father is dying and I have to get to Phoenix as quickly as possible. Well, not only did the attendant exchange my ticket, he even waived the $20 rescheduling fee. I was so relieved and grateful!! My prayers were answered! So, I went back to Lulu and Darrell and got my things, thanked them as much as I could, and went back to the bus to have my things loaded on. Now, I was on my way to Phoenix. It took 2 nights, and it was dark when I got there. But I will tell you all one thing, I am NEVER trusting Lulu with anything again. I tried never to judge anyone at that shelter, I tried giving Lulu the benefit of the doubt a lot of times, I was always polite to people there. In fact, I was known throughout the shelter as the kindest, most polite person there. Well, I try to always be nice and polite. I never judge anyone. I gave that up when I entered my 40s. I didn't want to be this age and still being hostile to people due to looks, religion or creed. That's not what my parents would want, and not what Michael (or Timmy) stood for! But Lulu is the classic example of a person who is homeless because they are irresponsible!

Lulu and Darrell have now finally found themselves a place to move to, and are going to move in on the 3rd, so they said. Lulu has some books that belong to me, and as soon as I get them back from her, I am never speaking to her again! She is not the kind of person I want as a friend! She is too irresponsible! But to be honest with you all right now, I have the feeling I am NEVER going to see those books again!! And Lulu may get this place, but she is going to lose it again, as quickly as she got it! Because she is so irresponsible and unreliable! I think surely I can kiss those books goodbye! No matter though, I am still never speaking to Lulu again! If I stay friends with them, I will never get ahead of where I am now. I'll never be able to get a car, I'll never be able to get a puppy, I'll never even be able to go to Australia! Because they'll suck up each penny I get! Just when you think you've got a good person for a friend, you find out who they really are and that gets frustrating! I must be slipping in my old age! Really! Loretta (Lulu) really cares about no one but herself! Herself and her dumb cigarettes!! She says after she moves she'll quit. I say, I'll believe it when I see it!
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