Disclaimer: If you are easily offended by sheer honesty, or you think me having my own opinions is "being negative", then this is not the place for you, and I suggest you leave and head elsewhere. I call a spade a spade, and I don't sugarcoat anything.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Memorial For Dad

Well, Kathy and her family are going to be organizing a memorial for my pa. I cannot go because it's going to be in Tacoma, in the mobile home park where they used to live. I still miss my pa. I miss him like everything! But I stopped crying every 10 minutes at least. Unfortunately, I won't be able to go to this memorial. I don't have a car, nor any other way I can get there. I don't know anyone here well enough to ask them to take me. I'm not that desperate to go! I mean, I can remember my father very well here at home, and go ahead with a little memorial bit of my own, with just me, and possibly Katrina. Well, she didn't know him. All she knew about him was what I told her about him, which quite frankly, did not make him sound too flowery! Dad and I used to fight a lot when I was younger. But as I got older, I stopped because I felt uncomfortable getting into childish fights with an old man. Even though he wasn't frail. He was still old. Made me feel like I was battling with my grandpa! And I didn't like that feeling.

Well, I cannot just totally dismiss the times my pa threw me under the bus, especially with Kathy. For the past 15 years, I have been trying to get along with Kathy. If for no other reason, to bring a sense of peace to my father's life. But sometimes Kathy and her family make it so hard to get along. They were raised differently than I was. I was brought up to speak my mind, no matter what. Now, that's not to say Kathy and her family are not nice people. They really can be nice. It was nice of them to help me and my sis come down to visit my father before he passed. But I think sometimes my father gave Kathy a totally distorted picture of me. For example that weekend Kathy was in Arizona and dad invited me to visit him in Tacoma and stay for the weekend. I really have no idea what dad told Kathy I did that weekend, but I have the feeling it was not the whole truth. I am still very interested in knowing exactly what he told her, because she said to him that if he ever invited me to stay there for the weekend again, that she was going to divorce him. And as far as I know, I didn't do anything that was that bad. Seems kinda silly to divorce someone you apparently love just because I would not eat a steak! I mean really! Even my ma thought that was so petty!

I remember when I was moving in to my tiny little abode in Port Angeles, ma and pa both helped me move my things in. Ma cornered pa and confronted him with that, asking him if Kathy really said that. He said yes. Ma said "Well I don't like it! How could you let her talk that way about our daughter?!" I'd kinda like to know the answer to that question myself, but ma said that dad went silent after that. At the time my sis told me that Kathy said that, I had just finished telling ma and my stepfather that Kathy is a good person. I almost felt like washing my mouth out with soap after hearing she said that! LOL! But anyways, that is all irrelevant now. This memorial is for my father, and remembering the good things about him. I told Kathy to have fun at this memorial when she posted the announcement on her facebook page. Stephanie, her oldest daughter, must have taken it the wrong way because she snapped at me with "Have fun?! This is a memorial, how are we supposed to 'have fun'? Answer that for me please!" Well, she asked a question, so I answered it. I told her "By celebrating his LIFE. His life is worth celebrating. Isn't it?"

I don't know exactly what Stephanie thought I was trying to say, but that's the best way I could put it. It's times like that that I have to remind myself that she was raised differently than I was. So, she doesn't understand. But I do the exact same thing every November for my Michael, I celebrate his life. It doesn't mean I am glad he's dead. It means I want to celebrate his time here on Earth, because I love him so much. He meant the Earth, moon and sun to me! When my grandma died and was buried, we had a little procession, but then after that, my stepfather said "We mourned her death, now let's go celebrate her LIFE." and then took us all out for a pizza. It was a time to get comfortable, have dinner, laugh and reminisce about all the great things grandma was known for. It can be fun, and it took my mind off the sadness I felt losing grandma. Knowing my father the way I do, I would think he'd want to be remembered for his laughing and singing, and a lot of good things. I'll always remember him as laughing and singing all the time, making jokes about everything. So, that is how I am going to remember him. That helps take away some of the grief I've been feeling over losing him.

Well, Stephanie's comment is no longer there. I don't know if she deleted it or if Kathy deleted it, but I hope Stephanie read it. I hope she realizes I didn't post that comment to offend anyone or to get into a fight with her. I just want those who attend to have fun remembering my father. Because that is what I am going to do. Kathy and her family were so nice while me and my sis were there, but still a bit stand-offish against me. I remember at one point I needed to look something up on a computer. But Kathy did not have a computer, and I saw either it was Stephanie or Jennifer (Kathy's younger daughter) had their tablet. I asked her if I could borrow her tablet for just a minute to look something up and she looked at me like I had just asked her to sell her soul to the devil! LOL! But I assured her, I only needed to use it for a minute. Well that was one of the funnier things that happened while I was there. But I did notice it was just me they all seemed to have a problem with. Not Anna. And I really think it has a lot to do with what my beloved father possibly told Kathy that happened that weekend I spent there. Oh well. I keep trying to be nice, hoping soon they will come off it. But I think it's a moot point now. Now that my father is gone, neither Kathy nor her children are going to keep in touch with me, and probably not even with Anna. I just have that feeling.
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