Disclaimer: If you are easily offended by sheer honesty, or you think me having my own opinions is "being negative", then this is not the place for you, and I suggest you leave and head elsewhere. I call a spade a spade, and I don't sugarcoat anything.

Sunday, November 11, 2018

Funny Gummies

I'm currently going to a class to bone up on some business skills. One of the subjects today was how can we (as business owners/runners) keep our customers loyal and spread the word about our business. One of the ways most people suggested was to allow the customers to write reviews for our products or services on our site. There are some people who actually read reviews on Amazon just for the fun of it. A couple who attend the class said to go to Amazon and look up "sugar free gummy bears". They said it's the funniest thing you'll ever read. So, I came home and just out of curiosity, I went to Amazon's website and looked for sugar free gummy bears. I did see some very interesting reviews. Well, I decided I'd post some of the funniest here. I'm not going to post their names myself. But you can find these reviews on Amazon.

Someone asked this question:

Will my butt regret me eating these?
I wondered why someone would ask this. I'm not a fan of gummy bears at all, with or without sugar. I read the answer.
Not at all. There is no Maltitol in these, so there is no diuretic effect. They're sweetened with Stevia, rather sparingly at that, and so are a little weak on flavor, but they grow on ya. 
Hmm. This is getting very interesting. So I looked further into this. Another review for a different brand went like this...

5.0 out of 5 stars"Runny Bears" seem to have worked!November 13, 2017Verified Purchase
In mid-October I bought this bag of candy as revenge upon the devil's spawn in my neighborhood who have decided it's worth the possibility of getting caught stealing packages off our porches. They have been targeting small-ish boxes that are easy to carry away and that seem like they might contain something good to eat. I'm not willing to spend hundreds of dollars for a security camera if I can find a way to deter the looters instead. Heh heh heh. Long story short: it's the best ten bucks I've ever spent.
I ordered this innocent looking bag o' diarrhea with the intent of it arriving the Friday afternoon where I was leaving early Saturday for a long weekend. I checked my front porch on Friday evening and was delighted to see there was an innocuous 8x10 mailing bag that I left propped up against my front door with the Amazon smile visible from the sidewalk. I got back to town a few days later and sure enough, the bag was gone. I have since ordered several different items for home delivery from Amazon and other vendors, with no missing deliveries in the last month. It makes me happy imagining the extent to which these cute little candy bears have wrought geothermal gastric hell upon those thieving little b*****ds. And the best part is neither they, nor their mother, likely have any idea what caused their bouts of gut-cramping explosive mud. I only hope they ate a handful on the way to the school bus stop, too.

Wow! This is interesting. It seems this particular brand of sugar free gummy bears causes a massive anal explosion! I kept reading more of these reviews and had a wonderful laugh!

5.0 out of 5 starsSugar free causes adverse effectsMarch 6, 2017Verified Purchase
Although these gummies are soft and chewy, and I was very pleased with the taste, I must warn everyone about the super strength laxative power of this almighty sugar free gummy bear. And although I was well aware of the profound consequences of which these brightly colored, soft and squishy, fruity flavored gems enabled, I misjudged the impact these boisterous little bears would have on my internal organs and was rightly punished for my overindulgence.

5.0 out of 5 starsThe reviews are not a joke these are a super laxative.October 31, 2017Verified Purchase
Just a forewarning these are not your normal gummy bears...
These are unholy demon bears. I was sitting on the couch with my wife snacking on these. They taste amazing! The bears are deceitfully gummy and the flavor is spot on however, about 20-30 minutes after snacking on about two handfuls of this tasty treat I had to promptly run, and I'm not kidding when I say run, to the bathroom. I almost couldn't get my pants down fast enough. What came after I sat down was something between a demon fire hydrant and an all out chemical assault on my poor toilet. The noises that my stomach made sounded like the gates of hell being thrust open by an army of darkness.
If you are looking for a great laxative look no further! These bears will cleanse your bowls in a way that you won't soon forget. Pranksters also needn't look any further hand these out to your unsuspecting victim and then bask in the groans of sheer pain and anguish coming from their bathroom.
If you just want some tasty gummy bears DO NOT BUY THESE. I am writing this review from my toilet which I have been residing on for about the last thirty minutes unleashing the hell fire flood that these gummies WILL make happen.
The only way I would buy these again is for a prank or if I was utterly stopped up and could not find relief with other less violent laxatives.

5.0 out of 5 starsSECRET WeaponJanuary 9, 2018Verified Purchase
Did exactly what I hoped. Within 30-45 minutes I have never seen a group of people ready to kill each other for a toilet! Great party snacks 

5.0 out of 5 starsGreat tasteMay 4, 2017Verified PurchaseThese taste amazing. Then your colon will get raped from the inside. You will wage Armageddon on your toilet. Believe the other reviews. 

5.0 out of 5 starsWilly Wonka's revenge.August 5, 2017Verified Purchase
Great taste but beware, eat too many and you will Willy Wonka's revenge. Best to eat no more than 10 at a time. Good cure for constipation, I guess. 

5.0 out of 5 starsFive StarsDecember 16, 2017Verified Purchase My colon has never been cleaner thanks to these laxatives! 

And probably the funniest review of all, how to get revenge on that annoying co-worker...

5.0 out of 5 starsGood productAugust 16, 2017Verified PurchaseA co-worker was going into my resident's room and eating all of her food without asking or even saying thank you. So I got her some of these gummy bears and told her to let him eat all he wants. I don't know what they did to him. But we noticed that now when he walks, his butt whistles. 
So, a very good rule of thumb, if you're constipated, then just buy some sugar-free gummy bears and quickly get unconstipated!

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