Disclaimer:

Disclaimer: If you are easily offended by sheer honesty, or you think me having my own opinions is "being negative", then this is not the place for you, and I suggest you leave and head elsewhere. I call a spade a spade, and I don't sugarcoat anything.

Friday, September 30, 2016

How I Became an Animal Lover

I've always been an animal lover! Ever since I was a kid. I have always been much more at ease around animals than I've ever been around other people. Animals are great for comfort. They don't judge us, and our pets love us unconditionally. They never back-talk or connive us. Wild animals, for the most part, if we leave them alone, they'll leave us alone. People could learn a lot from animals. I know I go through my life like a wild animal. For the most part, I try to stay away from other people and go on about my daily routine. If I know someone, and I like them well enough, I'll say hello, sometimes talk to them. But sometimes too, I just want to be alone, with no other people around. I guess you could say I am a solitary creature, who communicates very little with others of my own kind outside my own family group. To this day, I still prefer the company of animals to people. And the more I learn about people, the less I like that race.

I've been an animal lover pretty much for as long as I can remember. No one else in my family ever loved animals the way I do. My ma even once joked that I must have been an animal in my former life, because I am the only one in my family that loves animals so much. If such a thing is possible, I may have been. I carried a lot of wild animal instincts into this life. If I was an animal in a former life, I wonder what kind of animal I was? Maybe a deer, or a gazelle, because I am a timid person. I'm generally quiet, and I don't even like to fight with anyone, not even if they attack me. Mostly I prefer to walk away from trouble as opposed to standing and fighting. Or maybe a dik-dik, or something small like that, because I like to stay concealed as well. Usually when I am in a big room with a lot of people, I like to seek out the most remote, out-of-the-way spot to have a seat in, where I won't be too noticed, but I can still observe everything. That's the way I've always been.

I think I've always had good memories of animals. My parents did everything they could to hinder that, but never succeeded. My first recollection of my love for animals was when I was in nursery school. We had a teacher that brought in this very tiny toy poodle and let each of us kids hold it. I remember it was so tiny and so cute, and it seemed to be smiling at me! I wanted to take it home with me. Holding that little dog made me feel a happiness that I never felt in my life. I wasn't even a dog-lover! I had friends that had dogs and I always hated them! But they were bigger dogs. This little poodle was so tiny and cute, nothing like the big monsters my friends had that would knock me down.

A couple years later, we moved to a rural area, and I had more friends that lived on farms. I remember the first friend I ever made in that area was a boy who lived on a farm very close to us. I used to walk over to his house every day. Well, one day I visited his place and he had baby chickens and baby ducks, and I could not resist them! They were the ultimate in cuteness!! I remember holding them and what I felt when I held them was different than before. I felt what I can only describe as being 100% pure love! A love like I'd never felt before. As I was holding these little darlings, I felt like the world around me had disappeared. All my attention was focused on these babies. Even when my friend was asking me to play something else with him. I didn't want to leave, I so enjoyed it there. Of course a lot of that dissipated when we got chickens and ducks of our own, and I would see babies like that every year. But even then, it was still a lot of fun when we had babies.

When I got older, and I started breeding australian shepherds, I got the same feeling. Whenever me or my boyfriend who helped me, had fresh new pups out of the oven, it was a happy, loving feeling to be holding them and loving them. Feeling them squirm in my hands, hearing their sweet little whimpers. Again, it was a love like I'd never felt before in my life! I was always excited when one of our pregnant females was expecting and I would wake up in the morning and we'd have baby pups in the nest. Same feeling several years later when we started breeding chihuahuas. Only these were half the size of the shepherd pups, and their little whimpers were cuter and sweeter. It was so easy to feel an intense love for these little babies. I always got emotionally attached to each and every pup, which came in handy when I was trying to find the best homes I could find for them. I always got compliments about how affectionate and intelligent my pups were. Well, I knew what I was doing! They went to their new homes pre-cuddled.

Well, I used to love cats when I was a kid, and yes, I knew several kittens that I had fallen in love with. A cat was even my first pet I can recall as a child. I used to have kids all the time trying to convince me that dogs were better than cats. But I just would not bite. Nowadays, I'd believe them! LOL! The reason I don't have cats anymore is because they don't last long in my house. The longest time period I've ever had a cat was 2 years, and I wound up sending him to a new home anyways. Partly because of my father. And partly because I was tired of him destroying things, and you could not train him. These days it's all I can do to keep the cats around here off of my patio. When I see them, I yell at them to get out of my yard. Lately, this ugly gray tabby cat has taken a liking to my porch. I don't like gray tabbies! Yesterday, when he came onto my porch, I opened the sliding door and shouted out at him "Go home, ugly cat!!" I don't know who it's owner is, and frankly I don't care! And I don't care if they heard me calling their cat ugly either. If it hadn't been a gray tabby, I wouldn't be calling it ugly in the first place! Get something better, then try me.

LOL! Reminds me of my dad! He used to hate chihuahuas, before I started breeding them. We had a neighbor that had a chihuahua when I was a kid, and that dog typically got out of it's yard. One day it did and me and my friend Tara were riding to my place on our bicycles, and saw that dog again. It had what Tara thought was a sore on the side of it's body. So, she picked it up and we rode back to my place. My father did not exactly like having that dog on his property. He shouted to us to "Get that ugly dog out of here!" I tell you, he HATED chihuahuas back then!! LOL! But he eased up on them when I started breeding them, and he realized what beautiful animals they really are when well bred. I dunno though, nowadays breeders are going more and more for the extreme flat noses in chihuahuas and I personally don't like that! They're beginning to look like pugs, not chihuahuas. I like their noses to have a little bit of length. Not a lot, but indeed a little bit. But they are still beautiful when well-bred.

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Cooking With Dee TimmyHutchFan

Back in 2005 I kept another blog on MSN, it was among the first blogs available online. Of course I don't think those blogs are around anymore. But it really does not matter, because I took down that blog and turned it into a book. Well, when I was on that blog site, I had a special section of that blog where I would post recipes and cooking tips. I love to cook, my specialty is actually baking. I thought I could do that again. Either I would create a blog or a forum where I could post recipes, or get people to share recipes and cooking tips. This is a cool idea I decided to revitalize today. So, I am creating another blog just for that. It's still in the opening stage, but it can be found at http://cookingdee.blogspot.com/

I promise, there is no negativity in this blog! Just cooking tips and recipes I would like to share.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Get Out And Vote

I hear that a lot these days. This year's candidates are just not favorable. I'm not a republican or a democrat. I'm just me. Well, I don't want to vote. But everyone tells me to get out there and vote anyways. I don't want to vote this year! One person once told me that a non-vote is like a vote for someone you hate. The problem is, I hate BOTH of this season's candidates. I don't want either one to win. I remember back in 2008 when Hilary was running for office (or considering it), I thought it would be interesting to see what a woman would do for this country. Looking back on it now, that was very narrow-minded of me to think that. But that was 2008!! I was younger then! Back in 2008, I also scowled at my Hutchie-boo!!! I was not exactly sound of mind back then!! These days, I cannot live without seeing my Michael.

Well, that is the reason I don't want to vote. I have people telling me, "Get out and vote anyways". But I just can't! How am I supposed to vote when I don't have anyone I want to vote for? I'm not going to vote for Trump. I sure as Hell am not going to vote for Hilary!! Trump is a dictator and a bully. Hilary wants to let people in this country that are going to kill us. Trump lost brownie points with me when he showed such blatant disrespect to people like Rosie O'donnell. She's just one person he has disrespected. He seems to be a bit of a misogynist. He disrespects anyone who opposes him. Hmm, seems I am losing brownie points here with myself! LOL! Typing this, I realize Trump and I seem to have a few things in common. I'm no misogynist, I'm a misanthropist. I have disrespected people in the past who have opposed me. But since living in that shelter, I have actually been trying to work on that. Funny that!

Trump apparently met Obama and had nice things to say about him. Hilary urged everyone to vote for Obama when he was elected back in 2008. So, I guess Trump isn't too disrespectful. Just very disrespectful to women. He called Rosie O'donnell a fat pig. And wasn't his daughter the one who went to Africa and killed a giraffe? I think there is a picture circulating the internet of her sitting next to a giraffe she shot, and it was a trophy hunt. I like giraffes. So that really pisses me off. I also totally disagree with trophy hunts, so I'm double pissed off at her! And the fact that Trump allows that, if he agrees with that then that is scary, to say the least! If his children are any indication of how Trump intends to run this country, then we will all be treated like objects by him. He will see us as nothing but trophies to be touted around and bragged about.

As for Hilary, she wants to let in muslims. Now, don't get me wrong, I know there are some good muslims out there who are not fanatical. But as I have said in the past, how are we going to know which ones are the fanatics and which ones are not? Unfortunately it's the fanatics that ruin the image of all muslims. Just like fanatics everywhere! We may not know who the fanatics are and who aren't until it's too late. Hundreds of people may have to be killed in order to learn how to pinpoint which ones the fanatics are. There is not always any outward signs, as I've stated in a previous post. Sometimes the people who seem to be the friendliest, turn out to be radicals. That's something I learned this past year watching other INXS fans. I used to think INXS fans were the best fans. But you still have to watch out for radicals! They can seem like the friendliest people you could ever meet. But they will not hesitate to turn on you when they feel you've strayed away from their beliefs. Same with radical muslims. That's what scares me.

Anyways, that is why I will not vote this year. I don't want either candidate to win! Either one of them will ruin our country for us. And that's all they will do. I admit Trump does have balls. But he also needs some lessons in decency. What would he do for people like the homeless? How about Hilary? What is she going to do? What are they going to do to help disabled veterans? How are they going to fix the injured budget? I heard the Social Security fund will go bankrupt by 2030, how are these candidates planning to stop that?!! 2030 seems like a long ways away, but it really is not! It's just around the corner! With the way the years are just zooming by, it's going to be here a lot sooner than you think! I still remember it becoming the year 2000. From that perspective, 2016 seemed like a long time away. But it's here now, and it seemed to come overnight. If I am still around then, and the Social Security budget goes bankrupt, I don't want to worry about where my money is going to come from.

Monday, September 26, 2016

I Amaze Myself!

I could not believe it! I got up today, with the desire to go for a walk. So, I got myself dressed up and put my tennis shoes on and said I was going to walk as far as I can take it, then turn around and come back home. The other day, I found the bread store, which I always go to for some things, not just bread. But I always see some huge silos in the background, and I said I was going to walk to those today. So I did. But when I reached them, I figured I hadn't walked far enough, so I continued on. I walked until I came to the fork in the road. I was not so sure I should move on, I only just moved here and frankly, I don't know this town that well. But I wanted to keep going, so I went. Before I knew it, I had reached the edge of town! I mean downtown! I had walked approximately 2 miles, maybe 2 and a half! I was amazed!! It was almost nothing!

Well, I gotta confess, I didn't walk much since I moved here. But it's cool anyways to know I can do it if I want to! I can walk all the way from my apartment to the edge of town. I want to do it again tomorrow! Maybe make that a regular route for me to walk every day. I even stopped to look in a furniture store that was there that I wanted to investigate. I do need more furniture, and I got some cute ideas looking in there. They have curio cabinets, but they are not very big ones. There is another furniture store there too that I also want to look at. Maybe I'll find a bigger and better curio cabinet. Never hurts to look! I even saw a grandfather clock that I want! I always wanted one! Maybe someday I will get one.

I wasn't even tired when I got back home. Not bad for a fat chick! I'm so versatile, I even amaze myself! I do need to get back on track losing weight again! I hate some of our genes in the family. If we skip one day of our lifestyle change, we can put on 5 pounds!! I need a dog! Very bad! I need something I can go back on walks with. But right now, my goal is to save my money to get myself to Australia next year. I need to go and see that statue of Michael being unveiled. I love that man so much, each day I seem to love him more and more. I cannot wait to make this movie devoted to him!

I managed to lose over 60 pounds when I was in Reno, because I was going to the gym every day, twice a day. I need to start doing that again. The move here to OR is what threw me offtrack. Living in the van with rain constantly going outside, it was kindof depressing. So, it was hard for me to keep up with my change of lifestyle. But I think I am finally ready to get back on track. Too bad I am out of those pills! But eh! Who needs them!? I did without them and did fine when I was in Reno. I just worked hard all summer there. I can do it again. This is why it does not bother me when people call me "fat" or something to that effect. Well hell I am fat! LOL! Let's be honest here! But these kids are always trying to bring that up about me when they get pissed off at me, and I'm like "So what?!" They want to call me names? I say go for it! Do your worst while you still can. I'm getting back on my change of lifestyle! I'm not going to be fat for much longer after that!

Well, that's a teenager for you! I'll tell you, I would not be a kid in today's world if my life depended on it. I love my generation. I'm happy being in my 40s now! Kids today have lousy role-models! I have wonderful role-models, like my favorite men of INXS. Speaking of which, some kid this morning, who is a video-gamer, was telling me to kill myself by drinking chlorine, or something of that effect. He said if I don't do it, he'll kill 2 dogs a week. I told him if he does that, I will kill 4 cats for every dog he harasses. LOL!! Of course I wouldn't really, I just like to tease catfags like him. He asked me what Timmy-Hutch-Fan means and I told him that if I have to tell him, it'll cost him 2 dead cats. LOL!! That shut him up for the most part. That is until he saw my videos, then he comes back with the usual 1st grade-level insults about me being fat and I am a male grandma, and other such horseshit. I just said "thank you for watching my videos" and smiled.

I can say I have been literally called every name in the book. I've even had people saying I look like a man. Well, it's been said before. LOL! I don't care, as long as they watch my videos, I couldn't care less how I look to these kids. I get paid each time they view my videos, so I don't care if they say shit about me. I mean that in all sincerity. Other peoples' opinions of me do not mean shit to me. I'm working on a change in how I look and how I am. I noticed an amazing thing today. I actually looked at myself in the mirror tonight and I saw underneath the fat. I said "My word! I do have a pretty face! If only I would lose weight!" Well, I used to be told I was pretty when I was thinner. Maybe I can do that again. Who knows?

Saturday, September 24, 2016

The Grieving Process

It's been more than a week now since my pa passed away, and I still mourn him. But I have stopped crying every 10 minutes. Finally! When I was stuck in Portland, I was crying at random times. I was out walking, looking for the YWCA and I kept having to stop because I would start crying and could not stop. I did not expect anyone on the streets to understand how and why I felt the way I did. But really, no one stopped to ask. To them, I was just a homeless person who was perhaps crying because "society let me down". But that was not the case. Funny how people assume things based on how things look on the surface. I'm not saying people looked at me and assumed anything or not, or even cared. Just that is probably what they would have thought if they did know what was going on behind the shades I was wearing.

That was the beginning of my process of grieving. I still cry sometimes, just not every 10 minutes anymore. Having to take the bus home kinda hindered a lot of that, but sometimes I would cut loose and let the tears fall freely. I did a lot of crying once I was back in my home, lying on my own bed with my favorite pic of Michael and Timmy. Michael and Timmy kindof acted as a teddy bear to me. They were something to hold close to me in comfort. I have plush animals, but they are more for decoration than for cuddling. Besides that, Michael and Timmy are so beautiful, they are comforting to look at. But I lied there and cried and cried and cried until I couldn't no more. I think I stopped about 2 days after I got home. This past week has been spent mostly just drying my tears, and working on getting out of that circle of grief. Been doing some things to get my mind off of what happened.

Usually, when someone I love dies, I go into shock. Crying is not always immediate. I go through a period of shock, which can last for a few hours to a few weeks. When Michael died back in 1997, I was in shock the first few hours after I heard the news. I didn't cry yet, I was just in shock. It wasn't until I got into my portal (the bathroom) and was getting ready to take a shower that I started to cry. When my grandma died in 2001, I was in shock for 4 days, until the funeral. Then, I really cried a lot. It seems the longer the shock lasts, the more severe it is when I do start crying. I cried when Michael died and I haven't yet stopped. When I watch that INXS movie, I am always reminded that he is no longer here and sometimes I start crying. Sometimes however, I don't. I can turn it off if I want to, and usually try to, because I love watching that ending! Michael's singing of Never Tear Us Apart at Wembley is an awesome performance. Too good to miss due to sad feelings.

When grandma died, shortly after, I even went through a period where I was hostile to everyone. I wonder if that's going to happen now. I went through the same thing when I lost Groucho, my dog, in 2006. I had a period of anger and resentment towards everyone! Groucho's case was more severe than grandma's. Someone killed her, and I started to suspect everyone of that. I pointed fingers at everyone. No one was safe from me blaming them. Groucho was poisoned. At first, antifreeze was the suspect. But I did not keep antifreeze, and even if I did, the garage was closed off from the yard. The only way any antifreeze could have gotten in the yard was if someone else had some and poured it into our yard and Groucho got ahold of it. I remember just before she died, she did puke up a lot of grass. She was pregnant at the time she died, so I not only lost her, but her babies too. Losing her was a serious blow to the future of our kennel too.

Right this minute, I think I am in that quiet stage just after crying, where you feel at peace. It helps a little knowing dad was never sad or bitter about getting sick, and even still went for 5 mile long walks even after his diagnosis. I still miss him terribly. I still think about him. The hardest thing for me though is to delete his phone number from my cell phone. I know eventually I will do it. But right now, I just cannot bring myself to do it. I need to come to terms with the fact he is no longer with us. That may take a while. Ma told me it was 6 months before she could delete grandma's number off her cell phone after she died. I remember when I was sitting in the lobby at the restaurant, I looked at my cell phone and saw dad's number in my contacts. I tried to delete it, but I couldn't. I felt awful! To this day, I still cannot bring myself to delete it.

What I hate is when it's been a few months after a tragic event like this happens, and people are saying "It's been --- months/years/days since {so-n-so} died. Get over it!" I hate it when people say that! There is no limit to how long a person can grieve. Sometimes it can take years to get over something like that. I remember when I used to work at the humane society, bathing puppies. I met a woman whose mom had not had a dog for over 20 years. The reason was she'd had a dachshund that she loved so much, and when it died her mom was so stricken with grief that she didn't want another pet. That was over 20 years before! I was 18 at the time. That woman's mom had been grieving for more years than I'd been alive! But again, some people carry grief for a lot longer than others. Don't ever let anyone tell you how long you can carry that grief. Carry it as long as you feel it's necessary. The fact that my father was OK with dying (he said "everyone has to go sometime" when I first heard what was happening to him) helps me heal a little. But the fact that I have to go on with him not here is what hurts me. I guess I am crying more for myself. Not him.

Friday, September 23, 2016

Best Reasons Cats Are Better Than Dogs

OK, just to be fair to the cat people, I decided to put this up here. I do have some friends who are cat owners and lovers, I personally do not like cats for various reasons. But I do like a few breeds, such as siamese cats and several other breeds, and I do like my cat-fancying friends, so this post is for them. These are the best reasons I can think of that makes cats better than dogs. I don't want to be totally prejudiced on this blog. So, here goes...

1. Cats are quiet.
They don't bark, or run around all day, they just curl up on your sofa and sleep, meow, eat and shit.

2. They're economical.
It does not cost much to feed a cat. They are light eaters compared to some dogs.

3. They're clean.
They clean themselves using their tongue, which is bristly. Unlike the smooth tongue of a dog. Cat tongues act like our hairbrushes to clean their fur.

4. They don't require much attention.
You don't have to walk them, or play with them--in fact they'd prefer you don't, and you can leave them alone in the house for hours and they will take care of themselves.

5. They are small in size.
The largest breed of house cat is the Norwegian Forest Cat, and its only 4 feet long, including the tail. Still smaller than the larger dogs. So they don't require a lot of room.

Geezz! That's all I can think of. No other reason in the world to have cats in the house. The only person in my family that likes cats is my ma, but she would never have one. She doesn't like having pets at all. Not even a fishtank. I think that is why I was born into this family, to make them realize the fun of having a pet. Having a pet of any kind is very therapeutic. My ma was raised by a woman who did not believe pets were any more than objects to be kept outside and not a part of the family. But for me, cats are a lot less "family" than dogs. These are the reasons I do not like cats:

1. They are destructive.
Much more destructive than smaller dogs.

2. They're boring!
All they do is eat, sleep and shit all day.

3. I don't like their dirty asses on my kitchen counters.
Unlike dogs, cats climb on your kitchen counters, and get into everything!

4. They don't really love us.
Everyone knows, and it has been proven, that cats actually want to kill their owners. If they were big enough, they would do it.

5. They are not trainable.
There is a certain way you have to train cats, and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

6. They carry diseases.
Rabies, toxoplasmosis, bartonella (also known as cat-scratch fever), necrotizing fasciitis are among the many diseases cats are known to carry. The risk of rabies can be controlled with annual vaccines, but the rest of the diseases have no cure or prevention and are almost exclusive to cats and are just as deadly as rabies.

7. They kill wildlife.
A lot of birds and small animals have become extinct because of cats. And I love birds!

8. You've seen one cat, you've seen them all.
They all look the same! They all have the same colors, patterns, they all have the same physical appearance. They may have some slightly different variations of said patterns, but pretty much they all look the same. There's not even much variety among each breed. Few exceptions.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Creepy Performance

There is a big thing trending on Facebook, a man named Corey Feldman, whose performance of his new song "Go For It" on The Today Show is receiving quite a lot of bad attention and it really is causing him some damage. I heard from one report that now Feldman is afraid to even leave his house. I say "What the fuck is the big deal???" Not that I personally care anything about Corey Feldman. I have a favorite band, and I am happy just following them. I don't go for any of these emo groups around today. But why is everybody getting so uptight about this guy's performance? Because he spazzed out during his performance? People are calling Corey Feldman a "weirdo" and a "freak". Well, everybody has their own style. If you don't like Corey Feldman's, then just don't watch. Simple as that. If he's too weird for you, then turn your head. But like I said, everyone has their own style. Sometimes, during the Rockstar: INXS series, I used to think Marty Casey spazzed out a little too much, but that's his style, and a lot of people liked it. I used to see Marty fans all the time, that no matter what, they still liked him.

As for Corey Feldman himself, I say get over it! You put yourself out there, you open yourself up to criticism. I do. Believe me, on a good day, I'll get called a freak or a weirdo. On a bad day, I get called much worse!! LOL! Sometimes I provoke it, I go on YouTube and provoke the fags and yuppies just for fun. It helps me build up that thick skin I've become famous for. It helps too! I once heard that before you can become famous you have to become infamous. Some people actually like the "freaky" dances this guy did. But once you put yourself out there, you open yourself to criticism. Simple as that. You've got to learn to take it with a grain of salt. I also learned not to defend myself because again, I put myself out there. And the viewers have a right to express their opinion of me. About half of what they say is true anyways. Most people who watch my videos say I am fat, and that is true, I am fat. Not being negative, just being honest. I've known it long enough to know that it's true. I can admit it to myself.

Ya know, that's why I put the "LOL" in my responses to fags, and I'll tell you, it drives them CRAZY!!!! LOL! But I laugh because they try so hard to insult me with "you're fat" or "your a moron" or "I'd love to beat the crap out of you!" And yes, I spelled "your a moron" incorrectly because ironically enough, that is how they spell it! LOL! It's funny! One guy this morning said to me "I would love to meet you in person just so I could beat the shit out of you you cowardly cunt!" I said to him "I would love to meet you in person, because I would love to see you try it!" My BIL taught me karate. Though I am extremely rusty, but some things I can still do. But face it, even if he were to meet me in person, I highly doubt he'd have the guts to touch me. He's just a troll. Trolls are nothing but cowards themselves.

But as for Corey Feldman, I say if you don't like what people are now saying about you, either change your style, or learn to take it with a grain of salt. Or just take yourself out of the media. You were not meant to become a celebrity. Some people will like his performance, some won't. That's just the way it is. That's the way people are. Apparently he took down his performance from Facebook. It's kindof a shame, because there are those who did like his performance I am sure. Not everyone hated it. Or thought it was weird. Know how I know? Lots of people still like Justin Beiber and Hillary Duff. If they haven't scared away all their fans, then there are some people out there who will like anything.

Anyways, here is the "offending" performance...

video

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Best Reasons Dogs Are Better Than Cats

A while ago, I wrote a post about the stupidest reasons people think cats are better than dogs. Well, let's face it, anyone who thinks cats are better than dogs I would say has got to be pretty shallow. Probably people who have never had a dog in their lives. Because there are so many reasons why dogs are better than cats. It's hard for a lot of people to believe now because dogs nowadays get a lot of bad press. All you ever really hear about dogs in the media is how they attack, maim, or kill people. Most of those are caused by either bad breeding practices or by bad owners. That is why I emphasize getting a dog from a responsible breeder, and socialize it well! I never had a dog that has ever attacked or killed anyone. Well anyways, here are the reasons...

1. Dogs genuinely love us.
Unlike cats, dogs love us. More than they love themselves (in the words of Johnny Depp, who is a dog-lover). Cat owners think their cats love them, but what cats love is your food. Not you.

2. A dog will die for it's owner.
Dogs love us enough that they know their job is to protect us. They alert us when someone is at our door, and if need be, they will attack an intruder they think is there to harm us. Cats save themselves rather than think about us when an intruder is out to harm us.

3. Dogs have different personalities.
Cat people think dogs have no personalities, or that their personalities are boring. Truth is, dogs have plenty of personal characteristics. Which is why it bothers me when someone compares a specific individual of a breed they had with one that someone else gets. Each dog is different, even if they are the same breed.

4. There are so many varieties!
Over 400 breeds of dogs, compared to the 200 or so official cat breeds. Whereas if you've seen one cat, you've seen them all; dogs come in a wide range of breeds with different shapes, sizes and colors.

5. Dogs are more fun to play with.
I say this all the time, and it's the reason I prefer dogs over cats. Dogs keep us active because they are always active. Cats tire easily and sleep most of the day. That's why I say cat owners are the laziest people.

6. Dogs are far less destructive than cats.
Even cat fanciers say their cats fuck them over all the time. Cats can tear up your house a lot quicker than a similar-sized dog. Cats can get on the counters, where most dogs cannot reach, knock things down, tear up your furniture and wallpaper (and walls for that matter) when they use your home as a claw-sharpener. Dogs don't do that because they don't need to. This is also why cats never last more than a year in my household.

7. Dogs can be trained to either go outside to eliminate or use a litter box.
Yes, unbelievable as it may sound, a dog can also be trained to use a litter box or a puppy pad. Dogs are very versatile.

8. Dogs are better pest control.
I recently made a video, and put it up on YouTube of a cat toying with a mouse. I was unimpressed with it's torture session, because a dog would have had that mouse killed (along with several other mice) within the first 5 seconds of that video. That video is more than 5 minutes long and the mouse was still alive when I stopped filming. I said I was going to kick that cat's butt if that mouse got in my apartment!

9. Dogs are a much more ancient family than cats.
The Canidae family has actually been around since just after the extinction of the dinosaurs, about 50 million years. There are early cats, but they are not felines. We know them as civets and mongooses (family: Viverridae), which are almost as old as the canines. The actual Felidae family did not begin until about 30-35 million years ago. Yet canines are still going while felines are becoming extinct in the wild. And it's not all due to humans. It's because as a species, they are weak.

10. Dogs are smarter than cats.
Although the hardcore catfags refuse to admit it, or believe it, dogs are indeed more intelligent than cats. The world's smartest dogs, the border collie and the poodle, actually have the intelligence of a 4-year old child. Cats, on the other hand, have the intelligence of a 1-year old child, at best. Cats can't do anything right! LOL!

Yes that's right! Dogs rule! Cats... are just dumb! And yes I have had cats before. I wouldn't say they are dumb without having had one before. Its just that's the observation I've made over the years of having cats. This is why I prefer dogs over cats.

Monday, September 19, 2016

The Trip Home

After that incident with Lulu, I've decided I have got to stop being so compassionate with people. Some will take a nasty advantage of you if you're too compassionate. That's always been my handicap, I'm way too compassionate with people! But it really was not one-sided, Lulu helped me a lot when I lived in the shelter. Like one time she took me to the hospital. But Darrell even had to get involved in that. He went because he was feeling pain, but the doctors have never been able to find anything wrong with him. He did that several times, hoping the doctors would tell him something was wrong with him, but they could never find anything, which is exactly why I believe Darrell broke his ankle on purpose the day I was supposed to be taken to Salem to catch a bus to Phoenix. I truly believe he did that just for the attention, and I'll always believe that. He was upset because something was going to be done that day that didn't concern him, so he fell and broke his ankle on purpose. But his little scheme nearly cost me my last visit with my father. My stepmother paid $400 for the ticket so I could go visit them, and believe me, I'd have made Lulu pay my stepmother back for that! They would have found themselves taken to court! And they would have owed my mother $50 on top of that too! But it wouldn't be about the money for me. I'll never get that chance again to see my father, and if he'd have died without seeing me, I would have been the most broken 40-year old woman you've ever seen in your life!!

Well, I did get to see my father, thank GOD! At least I did get that chance to say a final goodbye. I told him that I am in an apartment that I love! Even though the people here are not very friendly. You know what's funny? They even admitted to me they're not very friendly here! When Lulu did not show up in time, ma told me to go around the complex here and see if I could get someone from around here to take me to Salem. I got so desperate that I did just that! No one wanted to though, and a couple of guys that I ran into, was an old man with a younger man, even said the people in this complex are not that friendly. Somehow I kinda sensed that when that Mexican guy saw me taking empty boxes to the dumpster that one day, and instead of telling me what to do with them, he was calling the manager on me. But I thought he was just one unfriendly person. But according to those guys I spoke to, apparently everyone here is unfriendly. But I don't care, I'm a loner anyways. Most of the time, I keep to my own apartment. I was just desperate to find another person to take me to Salem and I did what I thought I had to. My ma says I need to get involved in a church, and I might just do that. I do need to make some reliable friends! My sis has there in Bozeman. My sis also said making friends here might be very hard because people in this state are all liberals. But I think there has to be someone in this state that isn't a liberal!!

Well, now I want to tell you all about the trip home. My father passed away the day my sis and I left Phoenix, and I kept thinking about that on the way. I told Anna not to say anything, because I wanted Kathy to have her moment to tell us. But the driver already told her that he told us that dad was gone. Dad did have a very good life, and I know he is in Heaven now. Contrary to what the WBC would say. Oh well who gives a SHIT what they have to say?!?! Fuck them!!! My father was in a comatose like state when my sis and I got there, he could not talk, but the doctor said he could hear. The only sounds dad emitted were like long moans and groans. He still sounded like dad, but he could not form words or sentences. My sis and I even told funny stories while we were there with him, stories that I remember about him from when I was a kid. Dad was always doing things to make us laugh. I remember one day when he was in the police academy, he came home early. I was sitting in the family room watching TV, and dad showed me this pair of pants he was wearing that day, and the seat had been ripped open. He said to me "You know what happened to these pants?" I looked and his pants had the biggest rip I'd ever seen and I asked what happened. Dad told me that happened in class when he farted. He had to walk out of class with his back against the wall! LOL! It made me laugh just to imagine him farting with such force that it split a seam!

Dad was quite a character. Everybody that knew him loved him. I'll always remember him as being a man who loves dogs and people. He used to hate chihuahuas until I started breeding them. Then he realized what beautiful animals a well-bred chihuahua is with a LOT of personality! I did think about dad a lot on the way home. But riding through Arizona was pretty cool too. I saw cactus. Wild cactus! I've never seen a wild cactus before! I'd seen them in nurseries, botanical gardens, etc, I even remember Taco Time in Lakewood used to have a huge saguaro cactus on display. But I've never seen one in the wild! It was so cool to see them on the way home! I normally hate sitting in the bus stations, but the one in LA was not so bad. I had to switch buses in LA. They have an eatery there with a bar and stools. I found a bit of an isolated corner of the bar and claimed one of those seats. It beat sitting on those hard, wire benches. I sat there for a while and cried my eyes out. I kept saying to myself how I am going to miss that old fart! LOL.. I was still calling dad an old fart. I always did. I love him, but sometimes he could be an old fart. That was part of his charm.

My next stop was Sacramento, which we got to easily. It was morning when I got there. From there, I got to Salem. From Salem, I caught a bus to Portland, where I knew I could catch a bus that would take me back to Tillamook. Unfortunately, by the time I got to Portland, the bus to Tillamook had left and it was the last bus heading west that day. So, I had to wait 15 hours for the next bus to Tillamook. I decided to phone ma to tell her that I made it back to OR in good shape. She said I should phone Lulu and have her come and get me to take me home. I said I never want to be reliant on Lulu ever again for anything! They'll take my money and use it to buy cigarettes! I'm tired of supporting her nasty smoking habit! Ma wanted me to find a YWCA there in Portland. I didn't know if I could. So, I asked one of the station attendants if there was one in town. She said she'd look it up. She found one that was about 10 blocks away. She gave me the number and I called. All I got was an answering machine. So, I left a message. But I also decided to walk over there to take a look at it and see what was there. So I did. All 10 blocks!! LOL! Well, I didn't mind really, I needed to walk, stretch my legs. When I got there, I managed to find the YWCA, but it was closed. They must never be there, because to this day, I still have not heard back from anyone there, and I gave them my cell phone number. That was on Thursday I called them.

On the way back to the bus station, I got hungry, so I decided to stop and have a bite before heading back to the bus station. I found a nice little cafe and went inside. It was a fine-dining cafe. I looked over their menu, and ordered myself a Kobe burger! Don't knock it those things are AWESOME!!! I remember getting that when dad used to come visit my sis and I in Ocean Shores at a little cafe there. It was delicious as heck! So, that is what I got. While I was there, I also did some more crying in between bites. I don't like crying while I eat, but having that burger reminded me of the times dad came to Ocean Shores to spend the day with me and my sis. Brought back memories. On top of being so doggone delicious! I couldn't finish the whole thing, so I packed some away in a doggie bag. While I was there, I noticed there was a lobby with some comfortable looking chairs and a sofa. I asked the waiter if it was OK if I sat in there for a while and he said I could. I just wanted to be alone for a while. I got in a nice, big, soft, leather chair and sat for a while, took out my favorite pic of Michael and Timmy and just cried and cried! Still mourning over my father. I think I was there for more than an hour, just crying. I had nothing else to do, and those seats were so comfortable! I couldn't help it. I almost fell asleep. But I knew I had to get back to the bus station. So eventually I had to get up and walk back.

It was dark when I started back to the bus station, and I could not remember where I turned at. I began searching for someone to tell me where the bus station was. I got 10 different people that gave me 10 different streets to turn down. I didn't know if I was coming or going! I must have walked all around downtown Portland before I finally got to the bus station! I said if I had been walking in a straight line, I'd have been back in Tillamook! I did that much walking that night! Didn't find the bus station until about 9PM. Then I didn't care, I plopped down on one of those hard wire benches they always have, and fell asleep for a while. But the station was due to close at 10:30PM and a security guard there was clearing everyone out. One crazy bitch of a girl even argued with the guard, calling him every name in the book on her way out! I asked the guard if there was a shelter in that town and he did not know of one at all. That's why all the homeless people were covering the streets. I didn't have anywhere to go, so I had to think of a creative way to keep myself occupied. I had over 12 hours to kill before the bus to Tillamook was due to come! I really did not want to spend a night with a bunch of homeless thugs! So, I decided to catch the train around town. But I fell asleep on the train. When the train ride ended, I found myself in an area that I did not know and it was dark! But I had to vacate the train anyways.

I asked when the train to take me back to the bus station was coming, and the supervisor said there would be another train coming in an hour and a half. It was cold outside too! And I was dressed for the weather in Phoenix! I seriously thought I would be home by nightfall! It was 100 degrees in Phoenix, and probably about 55 degrees in Portland that night! I was freezing and did not have a coat. I reached in my suitcase and pulled out the only thing I had that I could possibly keep warm in; my nightgown. I took it and folded it in half and wrapped that around my shoulders. I slept for about 5 minutes while I was there, but most of my time was spent trying to keep warm. I actually thought about dad that night. I was thinking he was up in Heaven now saying to me "OK, you like to get yourself in trouble? Now I'm going to show you what real trouble is like!" That's one of the last things I remember him saying to me when I spoke to dad on the phone only a month before he passed. He said "You sure get yourself in a lot of trouble!" Maybe I do. But I stayed at the shelter because I had to, and it was a good thing it was there. Finally, the first train into town came. I didn't bother with a ticket, as I still had one from the night before. No one ever checked those! I just climbed in. I was on that train for maybe 2 hours, going all over town. I was asleep most of the way there. But I finally got off where the bus station was and walked the rest of the way.

The bus station there has a little cafe too, so I sat there for a while and had something to eat. By this time, I still had about 4 hours to kill. So I ate, and then went back to the waiting area to wait for the next bus to Tillamook. I fell asleep in the waiting area. Even though those seats were uncomfortable. I was excited when the bus finally did come to take me back to Tillamook! I bought a ticket and hopped on. Now, I was on my way home. Of course I did fall asleep most of the way. But I'll tell you now, it was good to be home! I immediately climbed in bed and went to sleep.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Feeling Now

Losing a parent really changes you. I have been saying for years I felt blessed to be my age and have both my parents still with me. Even though I know several people my age, and some even younger, who lost one or both their parents. I always felt bad for them, and cried with them when they lost their family member. Shoot I even know several people my age, or close, who've lost siblings! Its always sad, but you never really know how it feels until it's happened in your own family. I lost my grandma in 2001, just before the 9/11 tragedy. Of course I cried for days, but I think in a small way, you are always somewhat prepared to lose a grandparent, just because they are older. But we tend to think of our parents as being immortal, I guess. My ma is still here with us, but having lost my pa, now I wonder how much longer has ma got to live? How long will it be before I lose her too?

I almost did not get to see my dad. My ma called me on Saturday morning and told me that dad hasn't got much longer. I knew that, because Kathy told me and my sis that the doctor gave him days to live. Not months. Not weeks. Not a year.... Days! I felt like my guts had been wrenched out! Ma asked me how soon I can make it to Salem to catch a bus. I told her I don't know. I thought Salem was too far. I thought it would be best to go to Portland instead. But ma insisted I go to Salem to catch the bus. I knew I could have caught a bus to Portland, but had no idea if there was one going to Salem from here. There was never one that I knew of. So ma asked me to call Lulu, my friend I made at the shelter, offer her $50 to take me to and from Salem and get there as fast as I could. So, I called Lulu and asked her if she was free that day. At first she said she had other things to do. But then I told her I need to get to Salem that day, it was an emergency. I had to catch a bus to go see my father before he passed. So, Lulu agreed to drop everything and rush right over. Meanwhile, ma gave me $50 to give to Lulu.

Lulu showed up and I got into her car, told her about how my father only has days to live and I was supposed to catch a bus to Arizona. After ma put the money in my account, she told me to call Kathy's daughter, my stepsister, and so that is what I did. That was when I found out that I was not supposed to leave on Saturday, but instead on Sunday. So, I apologized to Lulu and her husband, Darrell, who was also there, and asked them to come back and pick me up around 11AM the next day, as I was supposed to catch the bus at 2PM and it takes 2 hours to drive from Tillamook to Salem. So, I went back home after buying dinner for myself, and Darrell and Lulu got something as well. After that, they spent $20 on gas, and had another $20 left over for the next day, which was supposed to be for gas. So, I had to sit at home and wait one more day.

The next day was when the fiasco began. About 10AM, I texted Lulu to remind her to come and pick me up at 11AM. Well, she called me and said Darrell was in the hospital with a broken ankle because he fell the night before and she had no idea how long it was going to take. Now, Lulu was talking about that I have to give her another $30. I asked her what happened to the last of that $50 I gave her the day before. That was supposed to be used only for gas and dinner, which they bought dinner for themselves the day before. They should have had another $20 left. But I found out later that Lulu used that money to buy cigarettes!! I was PISSED!!!!! To say the least! I did not give her that money for some dumb cigarettes! I gave her that money for gas! And $40 would have given them enough gas to get to Salem and back to Tillamook nicely, and then they could use $10 to buy themselves some dinner. I would have been fine with that. But NOT SOME DAMN CIGARETTES!!!!!!

I was already angry now, because it was coming up on 11AM and they still had not shown up. I was afraid I was going to miss my bus! Thus I may not get to see my father and say a final farewell to him. I texted Lulu again and reminded her that I have to get to Salem. She called me back and said I can still get to Salem in time to catch the bus, but Darrell had to have some x-rays done. I asked her if there was any way they could hurry that up because getting to Salem was really important to me now. She said we cannot rush this and then hung up on me. I was getting scared. I didn't know what else to do or whom else to turn to. So I phoned my ma. I was crying at the time, because I was afraid I was not going to get to see my father before he passed. Ma was wondering why Lulu would not just leave Darrell at the hospital while she takes me to Salem, then come back and pick him up after I've been dropped off. I told her it's because Lulu is afraid Darrell is going to yell at her. Ma asked "Does she not understand how serious this is?!" I told her that I think Darrell is doing this on purpose! Every time I want Lulu for something, he always has to get involved. I think he fell and hurt his foot just for attention. I don't doubt he was in pain, but I really and truly believe he just did it so all the attention would be focused on himself.

Well, ma told me to call Lulu back and stand firm. So, I did. I told Lulu she either has to take me to Salem today, or give me all my money back today because that was the deal. Well, they finally arrived around 12:30! I was so mad at Darrell though, I could not even look at him! Let alone talk to him or hear him talking! But I remained calm and civil. I tried! It was not easy at times. He and I argued all the way there because I had to give those fools $30 more!! He wanted to spend it on the most expensive gas in the town! But I saved them 13 cents more per gallon by going to Fred Meyers, which is just about a mile from the expensive gas station. But Darrell fussed the whole time about that. I said to him "If you want the expensive gas, you can pay for it!" He yelled back "No! Because we're using our own car!" I reminded him that he has $50 of my money! Now another $30 more. So that is $70 they have of my money! I could have rented a car for that much and drove myself. Darrell seemed to think I am made of money. They were the ones who spent the money I gave them foolishly! I was MAD!!!! I wanted to choke Darrell.

We argued off and on the whole time during that trip. Darrell made a joke about how he never wants his car to leave his sight. I reminded him how he lived in Wheeler while Lulu was in Tillamook. Darrell interestingly commented saying "That was an emergency." I told him "Well this is an emergency too! You're still alive. My father is going to be dead in a few days!" That was when Lulu said something that really pissed me off. She said when her brother was dying he didn't want to see anyone anyways. I wanted to say "My father is NOT your brother! My father loves me!" but I was so stunned Lulu would say something like that and mean it, I was speechless! But I was mad! Every time Darrell and I would argue, Lulu would tell the both of us to shut up. But I was angry, and rightfully so! I'll never get another chance to see my father! She's going to have Darrell there for a lot longer than I was going to have my father! And there I was in the back of their car, worried sick that I was going to miss my bus and not be able to exchange the ticket for a later time. It was a non-refundable, non-transferable ticket. So, I didn't know what was going to happen now.

Ironically enough, Darrell is also an INXS fan. But he's as bad a fan as the damn Yatesfags!! He does not follow Michael's code of ethics! Michael was all about peace and love. Darrell is all about how much attention he can get out of this, and how much money he can get from someone. I guarantee if Michael's job was to get me to Salem as fast as possible, he would have done it! No questions asked, no arguments, and if Darrell had had other plans, Michael would have gladly left him in the hospital to take me to Salem in time to catch my bus, and then swung by after he was done to pick up Darrell. No matter what Darrell would have said in the end or how angry he would have gotten. That's what a decent person does! Decent people also do not steal money from someone who makes less money than they do, to waste on some stupid-ass cigarettes!!!! And yes, I consider that last $20 stolen money! They could have used that for gas like they were supposed to, instead of asking me for another $30. It was a darn good thing I had it, otherwise I might never have gotten to see my father!

It was 3PM before we got to the bus station. I had already missed the bus I was supposed to be on, and there was no one attending the bus station when I got there, and they would not be there until 7PM. I was given a number to call, so I did. I got the operator at the bus' national headquarters, but she said my ticket was voided, and I had to wait to speak to an attendant. She said even then, there is no guarantee I would be able to switch the time of my ticket. Well I made Lulu and Darrell wait with me! Darrell of course fussed about it the whole time saying "I want to go home!" I told him I had to wait until the bus' office opened again, and if I cannot exchange my ticket, they would have to drive me home. So, we waited out the 4 hours together. I made them do it. No way was I going to let them leave me stranded there after getting me there late! My father's spirit would not let me let them get away with that! But that whole time, I prayed heavily to GOD that they would let me on the next bus.

When 7PM finally did roll around, I went inside. There was finally someone in the bus station's office. I went up with tears in my eyes and begged and pleaded with them to exchange my ticket. I told them my father is dying and I have to get to Phoenix as quickly as possible. Well, not only did the attendant exchange my ticket, he even waived the $20 rescheduling fee. I was so relieved and grateful!! My prayers were answered! So, I went back to Lulu and Darrell and got my things, thanked them as much as I could, and went back to the bus to have my things loaded on. Now, I was on my way to Phoenix. It took 2 nights, and it was dark when I got there. But I will tell you all one thing, I am NEVER trusting Lulu with anything again. I tried never to judge anyone at that shelter, I tried giving Lulu the benefit of the doubt a lot of times, I was always polite to people there. In fact, I was known throughout the shelter as the kindest, most polite person there. Well, I try to always be nice and polite. I never judge anyone. I gave that up when I entered my 40s. I didn't want to be this age and still being hostile to people due to looks, religion or creed. That's not what my parents would want, and not what Michael (or Timmy) stood for! But Lulu is the classic example of a person who is homeless because they are irresponsible!

Lulu and Darrell have now finally found themselves a place to move to, and are going to move in on the 3rd, so they said. Lulu has some books that belong to me, and as soon as I get them back from her, I am never speaking to her again! She is not the kind of person I want as a friend! She is too irresponsible! But to be honest with you all right now, I have the feeling I am NEVER going to see those books again!! And Lulu may get this place, but she is going to lose it again, as quickly as she got it! Because she is so irresponsible and unreliable! I think surely I can kiss those books goodbye! No matter though, I am still never speaking to Lulu again! If I stay friends with them, I will never get ahead of where I am now. I'll never be able to get a car, I'll never be able to get a puppy, I'll never even be able to go to Australia! Because they'll suck up each penny I get! Just when you think you've got a good person for a friend, you find out who they really are and that gets frustrating! I must be slipping in my old age! Really! Loretta (Lulu) really cares about no one but herself! Herself and her dumb cigarettes!! She says after she moves she'll quit. I say, I'll believe it when I see it!

Saturday, September 17, 2016

If Cancer Was A Person...

If cancer was a person, he would be the most hated and sought-after person on the planet.
If cancer was a person, he would be the biggest jerk the world has ever known.
If cancer was a person, I would love to meet him, just so I could kick his ass!
If cancer was a person, he would be harder to catch than Bin Ladin.
If cancer was a person, he would have been in so many bar fights that he'd be banned from all public places.
If cancer was a person, I can imagine what he'd look like; very handsome, yet very deadly.
If cancer was a person, he'd be a serial killer with more deaths under his belt than Gary Ridgeway.
If cancer was a person, he'd have 3 children; Benign, Malignant and Terminal. Benign would be the friendliest.
If cancer was a person, he wouldn't care who you are, he'd hate you no matter.
If cancer was a person, his favorite animal would be the lion, because they too kill for fun.
If cancer was a person, he would never walk alone. He'd be surrounded by like-minded people.
If cancer was a person, he would not quit fighting you until he won. Only the strongest would win.

The reason I write this is because cancer claimed my father this week. My sis and I got there on the 14th, went to see him that same day, he was still alive then. I believe whole-heartedly that he kept himself going just so he could be with me and my sis. He knew we were coming. He died the very next day, the day my sis and I were due to go home. I got the news from the neighbor, who is also a driver for Uber, and was there to drive me and my sis back to the bus station. But he and my father were very good friends. He too was saddened by his passing. He said he woke up at 6:30 that morning and saw the car (hearse) there, taking dad away. I really wanted to get the news from Kathy first, his family. I know they didn't plan that, so I don't hold it against them or anyone else. I knew they wanted to wait until we got home to give us the news because they didn't want us to think about it on the trip home. But that is OK. Yes, I did cry a lot on the way home, and when I got here. I still don't think I am done.

The hardest thing is going to be not talking to him or seeing him on the holidays. I'm really going to miss that. He always made the holidays so special. He always called and made sure we had a nice holiday dinner. He always went above and beyond the call of duty for me and my sis. That's the kind of person he was. Even when he was fighting this disease, he cared more about how me and my sis was doing than he did about his own health. Even after being diagnosed with cancer, he was going walking every day, for 5 miles or more. He was a man who never cared about how he was feeling. He never felt pain, he never got sick, the only time I ever saw him cry was at my grandma's funeral. I don't think I've ever heard him say "ouch" in my life! I've never even seen him call out in pain before. So, it was hard seeing him in a bed, being ravaged by cancer. But he never cried. He was never bitter. He never asked "why me?" He was not that kind of person. He even had an opportunity to go someplace that is especially studying merkel cell carcinoma to get it cured, and he would not take it. He stuck to the doctors he had there in Phoenix, and said whatever is going to happen will happen. He had complete faith in GOD. While my sis and I were there, we even read some passages from the Bible to him for fun. Kathy knew he enjoyed that. Dad was never bitter about this happening to him, that's for sure.

Ya know that first night after he died, I was thinking a lot about Kathy, and how she must have felt lonely not having him next to her in bed, and knowing he would never be in bed with her again. I wished I could comfort her in that time, or at least talk to her. I know she would have needed someone there. I'm sure though that her family was there. She's lucky to have them.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Who's Next? Dad? No!

I am writing this with an aching heart. I knew it had to happen someday. But knowing that does not change how bad I feel. As of this time and date, my father has only days to live. Earlier this year, he was struck down with a rare variety of skin cancer. Cancer is usually a scary word. This time it wasn't just a cancer, it was a rare variety of cancer. Very rare. Most people who get those kinds usually do not survive. I called him several times a month over the past year to see how he's doing. The man is strong and tough as nails. I don't know for sure if he was just putting up a front for me or what. But his attitude was always like "If I can get cured, great! If I can't, then it's GOD's choice." He went through radiation treatment with no problems, but the cancer kept coming back. He's gone through 2 rounds of chemo with no success. For a while there, it looked like he was going to make it. The radiation treatment worked for a while.But the cancer was just too vicious.

The day I left Astoria, Kathy sent us a message saying that dad had one more chance to make it, with a new kind of chemo treatment that is not FDA approved yet. But they were going to try it on him. By that time, the skin cancer had spread to his bones. That almost always means bad news. When I heard the news, I almost started crying. But I sat up and thought to myself "I cannot deal with this right now! I will cry when I get into my new apartment." I was still in the middle of packing my things into my moving truck. I didn't have time to bawl my eyes out. I had no idea then that it would take a whole month to get into my new apartment.

I called dad a couple times while I was in the shelter, and he still sounded ready and willing to go if the good LORD decided it was his time. I kept telling him I am not ready for him to go. He laughed and would say "Well, if the LORD wants to take me, I have to go." Well, this past week, dad has been rapidly going downhill. Seems the chemo he receives makes things worse. Not better. But I was so amazed how he just takes it all in stride! I like to think I would if I were in his position. But now, the cancer has spread to his liver and pancreas, and that is REALLY bad!! It's happening so fast now, I'm not so sure I know how to cope with it. Kathy says if we were to see him, he may not recognize us. He is experiencing the symptoms of dementia. That just does not sound like my father! He's always been clear and sound of mind. Well, I have to take the red-eye to Phoenix because I want to see him one last time. If he's going to go, he's going to go knowing I love him. Even after all the battles we had when I was younger. Even after the treatment I got from him that time I stayed at his place for the weekend when I lived in Ocean Shores. That all doesn't matter to me now. I just hope he is still living when I get there.

I always remember my father being so energetic. He was a runner, he loved the outdoors, he did camping all the time on weekends. He was always laughing. That's probably one thing I inherited from him. He was always singing. He would take a popular song, twist the words around and make it sound funny. He was no professional singer, he mostly sang for comedy relief. Also he had this funny dance he would do, he was always dancing. He always ate right, he never ate beef, he ate lots of veggies and fruits. Why this is happening to him, I'll never know. But it does prove that diet has no impact on getting some types of cancer. I don't want my father to go! It's totally breaking my heart! But at least I know he is not sad about it. He has faith. He's going to greet them in Heaven with a smile on his face and a song on his lips. I know he will. He only has days to live. In fact, he'll probably be dead by the time I get back home. If not before. But he says his life was a great one, and he is ready to meet our sweet LORD.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

I Will Never Smoke Cigarettes

A lot of people who were in that homeless shelter were heavy smokers. In fact, I think I was the only person in there that did not smoke at all. I never even went to the smoking areas, only when I had to, because I am totally allergic to cigarette smoke. When I even smell cigarette smoke, my throat closes up and I cannot breathe. I tried smoking only once in my life and that was when I turned 18. My ma smoked then. She told me to just try it once and if I didn't like it I didn't have to do it again. I've always been the kind who doesn't want to hack something I've never tried, so I tried it. One cigarette and I don't even think I ever finished it. I did try it, and I did not like it. Again, the smoke made me sick.

Well I heard that smoking causes damage to your lungs. I have enough damn respiratory problems, I don't need cigarettes to add to it! Lulu said if I hang out with her long enough she's going to have me smoking and drinking in no time. I told her it'll never happen. Because I am allergic to cigarette smoke, it'll never happen. Well, she told me about her cousin who also said she was allergic to cigarette smoke, and would not take a cigarette that was offered to her. Then later on she said her cousin turned into a heavy smoker. Well, I told Lulu that I am not like that. The fact that I also cannot stand the smell of cigarettes is enough to also repel me from trying them again. Besides the fact that it messes up your lungs, and is a very expensive, time-consuming habit. No, it'll never happen with me. I'll never be a smoker nor a drinker.

Truth is, I am also allergic to chocolate. But I love chocolate so much I cannot give it up! Fortunately it's not the kind of allergy that closes up my windpipe. I just get a bad case of diarrhea when I eat chocolate. But I can handle that! The taste and smell of chocolate makes it worth the pain! But there is nothing good about smoking. I used to hear the smokers in the dorm coughing all night long. It was a bad cough too, a bad hacking cough that you could tell they were coughing up their lungs. No thanks! I don't need that!

I remember there was this big, goofy looking guy, nice guy though, and I came across him at the Safeway store one day while I was waiting for Lulu. We talked for a bit, and then the conversation came up about cigarettes and smoking;

He asked me, "You don't happen to have a cigarette on you do you?"
I answered, "No, I sure don't."
He asked me, "You don't smoke do you?"
I answered, "No, I sure don't."
He asked me, "Would you like to start?"
I answered, "No, I sure wouldn't."

At the end of the month everybody was trying to get cigarettes from everybody else. Their money was always gone because they had to buy packs of cigarettes throughout the month. I was perplexed and thought "If these people would save their money for an apartment instead of spending every penny on cigarettes, they would have places to live in!" That's one big reason I never started smoking, I couldn't afford it. Even if I could afford it, I have better things to spend my money on than cigarettes! For example, this trip to Australia. Another thing I need is a car. Then a puppy! No room is left for cigarettes. Even if I wasn't allergic to them.

The thing is, smoking takes so much out of you, your money, your health, your time. Took Lulu 5 hours to drive the 25 miles from Wheeler to Tillamook. Know why? Because she would stop every 15 to 20 minutes to have a cigarette! The cigarette always took her 10 minutes to smoke. Sometimes she would have one right after another. That's time wasted! Time I could have spent doing something fun. Yet, smoking gives you nothing good in return. Unless you love the idea of having a bad cough. Or you relish the thought of having lung cancer. Or you get orgasms at the putrid smell of burning nicotine. I do not. So, I said to Lulu, I'll never start smoking. And I never will. It'll never happen!

After nearly 10 years of not thinking about Michael Hutchence, I should have learned never to say never. I said I would never get back into him again. But I think it's very safe to say that if I haven't started smoking by now, I never will.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

My Crazy Aunt Lulu

LOL! OK she wants me to call her that. She is one of the friends I made while I was living at the homeless shelter. She ran away from her other apartment because it was a slum, and she felt bad about running away every day. The problem was her former landlord did nothing with their last apartment, did not do any repairs or anything, and Lulu said so many things needed to be repaired. They went without a toilet for 2 weeks once because the landlord refused to fix it right away. And Lulu had been after the landlord for months to repair a broken stair on the staircase. Well, one day her husband was climbing down the stairs and he fell on the broken stair and fractured several of his vertebrae. He wound up in the hospital for a while, and Lulu refused to pay rent until something was done on that staircase. That was when the landlord kicked them out. Lulu wound up in the homeless shelter while her husband was in traction at the hospital.

You should all be aware, Lulu is not really "crazy", per se. Like me, she suffers from depression and she has a dog named Harry who is her therapy animal. She has a note from her doctor and everything saying she has to have Harry with her for emotional support. Ever since I had been there, Lulu had been fighting hard to get the people of that homeless shelter to let her bring her dog into the building. But they would just not let her bring him in. They let 2 other people who stayed there bring their dogs in, but for some reason they would not let Harry come into the building, and he would be out in their car howling and whimpering all night long. It just about killed Lulu to hear her dog sounding so lonely and sad. Lulu often cried "Why didn't I just pay the rent in that place? Then at least we'd have a home to go to where I can have my dog!" But honestly, I think I would have done the exact same thing. Now, Lulu is thinking of suing that landlord for causing her husband these injuries he is enduring now. She was told she could sue for at least $5 million.

One day, we had been out together and when we got back to the shelter, there was another woman in our dorm that had an adorable chihuahua. That chihuahua was also her therapy dog. I thought he was cute! Looked just like my Vegas! Short little nose and everything! But Lulu was angry that they let her in with her dog and Lulu could not bring her dog into the building. So she angrily confronted the supervisor. Then she decided she was going to leave that shelter. I wanted to go with her, I thought she needed moral support now. So, I was there to give it to her. Lulu said she was just going to find a hotel room somewhere and stay there until they could find an apartment. I thought "This should be kinda fun" and went with her. After we left the shelter, I actually started to get an uncomfortable feeling. Especially after Lulu mentioned finding a hotel that would let us stay until the first of the month. It's the wrong time of year for weekly rates. No hotel has them! Not until after Labor Day. But I stayed with her anyways for moral support.

Well, Lulu wanted to stop at the hospital where her husband was and visit him. So, we went to Wheeler, where he was staying. He talked her into going back to the shelter, and then Lulu began to feel bad getting me involved in this affair. But I was just there for moral support. Nothing else. I just thought a few nights away from the shelter would be kinda fun. Then we could sleep as late as we wanted to, and someone else would be making our beds for us. Something that neither I nor Lulu was very good at! Nor enjoyed doing at all. Lulu was so frustrated with herself that she was afraid I would hate her. I told her not to worry about that. I don't hate her. I just think she lost it there for a few minutes. Happens to everyone once in a while, especially in high-stress situations. So, she took me back to the shelter and went to stay with a friend of her's in Depoe Bay. I almost moved there!

I missed Lulu when she left. I made other friends, but no one could talk my ear off like Lulu did! It was something of a relief because it kept my mind off of the anxiety I felt living in that shelter for so long. But really, I truly believe living there changed me. I've come out a happier, stronger person than I was before. The depression and social anxiety is still there. That does not go away in a single month. But I feel better about myself now. And, I finally got into my new apartment. I still love it. I still cannot believe I am here!

Well, yesterday I was finally able to dispose of the last of the boxes, so now my unpacking is all done! I hate moving! More than anything in the world! In the past 5 years I have moved 5 times. From Ocean Shores, to Bozeman, MT. to Port Angeles, WA. to Reno, NV and to Astoria, OR and now here. I am tired of moving! I want to settle here for a good long while. I'm old! I don't think I can handle another move. Every time I move, I have to change my routine, I have to spend time getting used to the new house and new surroundings. I have to develop new habits. I can't do that anymore. I'm too old. Too old and too tired. So, I am going to be here for quite a long spell. The next time I move it will be only when I am ready to buy myself a house.

Monday, September 5, 2016

The Dark Side of My Plight

Well, I got into my apartment, and now I am almost done unpacking. I've even unpacked some things that I have had all packed up since we left Ocean Shores. The only things that I cannot unpack now are my knick-knacks. I have not really had those unpacked since we left Olympia! Well, I did briefly have them unpacked when I moved in with Patti. But my stay at her place only lasted 3 days, and I was not about to leave my knick-knacks with her! Soon, I do plan on getting a curio cabinet. Then, I can put my knick-knacks out to display. I don't even remember what all I have! I know I have a family of dragons in there. I also have a family of Ki-Rin, which are Chinese unicorns. I also have a lot of lighthouses, and some of Anna's Mount St. Helens figurines. I also have a lot of figurines I made myself of my Metazoic mammals.

I was kindof sitting back today, thinking. One of the things that sprung to mind was the struggles I went through in order to get into this place. The biggest problem was Noah. Every day I would call them and leave messages with my case manager. But for 2 long weeks, nothing would happen. One day, I decided to just bug the piss out of them. Squeaky wheels get the greasing! I called Noah and asked if my case manager was even there. Apparently she was, so I asked why she never picks up her phone. The person I spoke to said she cannot force my case manager to answer. But I was tired of calling and calling, sometimes up to 4 to 5 times a day, and never hearing back. Especially when her voicemail greeting says she will return my call within 24 hours, then days would go by and I would not get a return call.

So anyways, the secretary put me on hold for a minute. When she came back, she said that they never received the paperwork they were supposed to receive, so I had to call the manager of these apartments. I did and told them what the secretary told me. I got one of the managers of this complex and she said she had proof that she sent the paperwork in. So I had to call Noah again and tell them that the manager of this apartment told me that yes, she sent the paperwork and she had proof she did. I got the secretary again and I told her who I was. When I mentioned my name, the secretary kinda moaned a bit, I guess because she knew what I was going to say. I told her what the manager told me. The secretary said they need to just get this paperwork in instead of sitting there arguing about it. So, I had no choice but to call this apartment back again. But when I did, I got hung up on. I was in the shelter, and my roommate was in the room at that time. She left shortly after, and I walked right behind her so I could make sure the door was closed.

After she left, and I made sure the door was closed, and I'd be alone for at least a few minutes, I went back to my bunk where I had all my pics of Michael and Timmy lying around and I cried out loud! LOL! You've seen those movies where some frustrated person just collapses and cries loudly? That's what I did. I yelled to the heavens "Don't blame me!!!! I'm just a messenger! I didn't do anything! This whole thing is NOT my fault!!!" as if those people from both sides could actually hear me! LOL! I was tired, frustrated, and sick of living in a shelter! I'll tell you all now, if you have social anxiety, a homeless shelter is not a place you want to be! I'm most uncomfortable around children. I don't like hearing kids running around and yelling. I don't like the feel of them looking at me. And forget about privacy in that shelter! A few times I've been lucky and went hours without getting any outside interruptions. But most of the time, just when you think you're going to be alone for a while, someone pops in for whatever reason and you have to stop what you are doing and wait for that person to leave. Then it was only by sheer luck if they managed to remember to close the door behind them. Most of the time, they didn't though.

Well, I thought I should wait a while before I call these apartments again, give the managers here a chance to cool down. So, that is what I did. I waited about 15 minutes before attempting to call here again. This time, I got someone else, and she said she would send the paperwork again, and give Noah a call. So she did. But I still was not comfortable. So, I said to myself that maybe I should take that paperwork to Noah myself. I got Lulu to bring me to this complex to pick up the paperwork. I walked into the office and offered to take the paperwork to Astoria myself, but they told me that because I am a third party person, I cannot do it. The manager told me to keep calling Noah and tell them that I am going to start camping out in their office until something is done. I thought that was a great idea. So, from then on, that is what I did.

Even my ma and sis got involved in getting me this apartment, as did a few friends. We all called Noah, and told them something needs to be done. For a while there, I was scared to death I was not going to get this apartment. Ma called me one night and asked me if any progress is being made to get me into my new place and I said NO! I was no closer that day when she called than I was when I arrived at the shelter. Ma said "you're going to lose that apartment!" I said "That's exactly what I am afraid of! But I can't do much more than leave messages!" Ma asked me if I was calling Noah every day and I said yes. Several times a day, in fact. The day she called, I think I called my case-manager 5 times. No answer. So the following day, ma called the head supervisor and asked why nothing was being done to get me into my apartment. It was good to get family and friends together to get something rolling. I thank my friends and family for their help.

Well, after that something started going on, my case-manager kept in touch with me more. I kept asking her to please let me know when something is going on. 2 weeks later, I was finally able to move in. And I absolutely love it here. The only flaw is they put me smack-dab in front of the kid's play area. So I am still in the line of kids screaming and shouting! UGH!!! I'm not used to kids, so I don't exactly like being next to the play area. But this is a great apartment! I love it! It has everything I need, all the appliances I could ever want. I'm glad I finally got it.