Disclaimer:

Disclaimer: If you are easily offended by sheer honesty, or you think me having my own opinions is "being negative", then this is not the place for you, and I suggest you leave and head elsewhere. I call a spade a spade, and I don't sugarcoat anything.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Real-Ass And Funny-As-Shit Ads on Craigslist

I've been addicted to Craigslist lately, and I found a new section that contains ads that are funny as shit! These ads have been voted by regular CL users as being the best and funniest ads on the site. Well, I went through them and I narrowed it down and picked out the best of the best! You know how my sense of humor is! Well, with it, I picked the ads that were the funniest I had ever seen. Keep in mind, these are real ads that have actually been posted up on Craigslist before! Of course you are entitled to your opinion too. If you'd like to see all the ads listed on this part of the site, you can follow this link: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/all/

Otherwise, enjoy my views of what is the funniest ads ever listed on Craigslist!

1. BEAT IT WITH A REAL JO-BRO - m4m
(This is a Michael Jackson fan looking for another Michael Jackson fan to "beat it" with!)
 
I'm a serious bro looking for a equally/more serious bro with fancy footwork. The idea is to tie our wrists together ala the "Beat It" video and then each JO/knife fight in a profound spiritual act of consensual hetero awesomeness. I would have done this way sooner but have little faith in humanity.


Requirements:
-access to an abandoned warehouse
-old enough/built kinda awesome
-maintains good eye contact
-general intensity
-cool moves
-shades
-leather jackets ( I had to give the one in the pic back - long story, I can tell you when we finish)
-Bedazzler
-basic knowledge of knife/sword/bat fight etiquette (I can teach you what I know if you are pretty serious about art like me)
-can lift 80 lbs
-bachelor's in something or equivalent experience
-not a narc


Whereas dudes/J-ing O are both undeniably awesome, I'm a straight bro. As in not gay. I just really love MJ and being open minded about new JO scenarios. We will basically play "Beat It" over and over again while we JO and dance, occasionally parrying/thrusting. Winner finishes the most times, but points will be awarded for finishing first/accuracy. If you're the heter-bro I'm looking for, then we can JO furiously/competitively and then just hang or whatever. I've got laser tag too. I'm pretty serious about this. As in completely serious. If you touch my junk with anything but your own I will BF you in the M. Nerds/gays need not apply. I'M NOT GAY.
P.S. - And I've gotten with hot chicks as recently as just now.

"They told him don't you ever come around here
Don't wanna see your face, you better disappear
The fire's in their eyes and their words are really clear
So beat it, just beat it"

2. My Porn Watching Pig Boyfriend
(I wonder how this guy's coffee did taste that morning?)

So you like watching these porn-sluts get pounded and creamed? OK, I get it, I kind of like some of that too. It's rather entertaining, if not slightly disturbing/fascinating to WATCH.
But now you're getting all fucked up with me, and although I keep taking it from you, you're probably on the way out, and I'm trying to think of ways to get you back. Because, at the end of the day, the "new" hardcore is rather degrading, and there are too many limits being pushed. Here are a few of mine that keep getting tested:
1) If you don't stop slapping my tits and pinching my nipples that way, you won't ever see them again. I hope you like my parka, cause it's going to become my new lingerie.
2) Don't ever spit on my face again, I think I made that clear, sorry about the sore balls.
3) I used to feel proud that I could swallow, now I feel pretty gross after you dick whip me and make me eat it off your cock and fingers like it's punishment. I would do all that for you anyway, but when you hold my hair and call me names and make me, there's that line I was talking about.
4) Pussy to mouth is kind of freaky, I'm totally ok with that. Ass to mouth is something else altogether, stop even joking about it. If you should ever decide to "forge ahead" with that one and see how it goes, I'll bite your fucking dick off, I swear I will. If I don't manage that in the moment, I'll get you in your sleep.
Thanks for listening sweetheart. By the way how did your coffee taste this morning?

3. Looking for a beard mentor
(An ad from an inexperienced beard-owner. He should be horsewhipped for growing a beard before being educated!)

I've had a moustache and beard off and on over the years, and I've tried styling it in the past but I just can't seem to get it to the next level. I'm looking for some srs protips with this, as well as possibly some styling services by someone with skilled hands. Please submit to me your beard/moustache resume. Also if you have pictures of you achievements that would be greatly appreciated.
I'm currently having trouble with getting my handlebar working correctly as well as keeping the sideburns even.
This is 'srs bsns' (serious business) as I've been informed I need to style it up, shave it off, or loose my job. (I work in adult daycare.)

4. Penis Measuring
(Need 50 extra dollars? Become a professional penis-measurer with one e-mail!)
 
A friend of mine and I have been having a long-standing argument about whose penis is larger. We've tried having our girlfriends confirm to the other the exact size, but neither one of us buy it. I don't want to see his penis and he doesn't want to see mine. I don't want my girlfriend looking at his penis and he doesn't was his looking at mine.
So... We just need a girl to look at both of our penises (individually) and then to both of our faces say which one is bigger. We can't pay much. $50.

5. Sea Monkeys
(Double-standards seller!)

Please rescue my son's Sea Monkeys.
The Sea Monkeys were a well-intentioned gift from a relative, but my son has poor vision and can't see them at all, so they've become Mommy's problem. We are moving and I have no idea how to transport them across the state- plus, I don't care. So, they would love a new owner. They come with their tank, food and food scooping spoon, and a little syringe and keychain thing in case someone wanted to suck Sea Monkeys out of the tank and carry them around for some reason. As shown except that our tank is red, not blue, and that the eggs have already been hatched.
They would be a great dorm pet as they don't take up any space and are quiet. Really, they would be a good pet for anyone. I'm not picky, I don't think they are either.
I realize that people feed Sea Monkeys to fish and such, and I have no problem with that, but I'm not interested in giving these creatures away for that purpose simply because it seems like a waste of all the plastic crap that comes with them. So please only take them if you actually want to keep them.
Thank you!
**Please do no flag and tell me this belongs in pets. Seriously- they're Sea Monkeys. Come on.

6. Tune Your God Damn Piano
(God dammit, get on the phone and fucking call this jerk! But not if you fucking live in Queens or Hoboken!)
 
For christ's sake people, just let me tune your god damn piano, do the both of us a favor. I'm the best in the whole god damn city, I swear to christ. You can ask any one of my clients at any given time, email me and ask me for a list. I'll make that fucker SING. Hell, you pay me a little extra and I'll make YOU sing too. Na i'm kidding, that's a little joke there. Nothing sexual, just piano tuning. Email me and I'll come the fuck over, tune your fucking piano, take your money, then be on my merry old motherfuckin way.
 You want the shitfuckin thing tuned? Fine. Call me. I'll tune it. Done. Just like that.
All of Manhattan or Brooklyn. Don't fucking call me if you're in Queens or Hoboken.
$80 for grand and upright pianos
$100 for spinet upright pianos (because they are way goddamn harder)

7. Thanks For Shitting Your Pants
(Don't ever have an accident in front of this woman!!)

I was in line at that dreadful Comcast customer service pit to return my modem and cancel service anyway. My mind was made up. For all the reasons I don't have to list here, FUCK COMCAST. My building got wireless service recently. I'm done. The guy on the phone didn't do a good job at saving my account.
"How does $42 a month sound?"
"Can you beat free?" I inquired. I asked him if I could send the modem back in the mail and avoid the trip to their drop-off center.
"No."
Whatever. Getting the $56 a month monkey off my back felt good no matter what. I had no regrets at all. You sealed the deal when you shit your pants.
That was seriously nasty. Everyone thought it was the little kid at first, but I knew right away it was you. I know I can't blame Comcast for whatever it is that makes you unable to control your bowels. I know that line was long and the service fairly slow. People have complicated fucking issues with their cable and phone. That line was an audition for the Jerry Springer show ( I mean that in a loving way), complete with a woman who shits her pants. That was unreal, lady, just unreal. I know you did it while you were standing in line because you didn't smell that rotten when I took my place in line behind you.


Granted, that customer-service counter IS a remarkably good place to shit your pants. The carpet is filthy. The walls have been smeared by the hands of innumerable children. You can't help but notice right away that the customer service agents are behind glass. Lashonda gets mad when the account be closed. No big deal, really. I enjoy the pagent of human existence. I suppose even to include the lady who shit her pants yesterday afternoon. Comcast is too cheap to buy a rope line, so people line up as they see fit and let the kids roam free.


Holy fuck that stunk,and the line wasn't going anywhere. 15 mintues of that was enough to upset my cast-iron stomach. I trained on a vast UNDERGROUND fish market in Asia; I know what stench is. I couldn't back up, either. The line had formed behind me in that airless chamber. The room was suffering. You could see it on the stricken face of the woman who helped you. She went in the back and threw up after you left. First, she came to the agent helping me and asked for "the spray." I guess people shit themselves often there. The people who have been standing behind me gave me sympathetic looks as I left: I had endured ground zero. My only thought was to get outside as quickly as possible.


But that really sealed the deal for me. My new wireless connection is great. And free. If I ever think I might want to go back to Comcast, all I have to do is think about the lady with scanty beard hair shitting her pants in a dingy lobby and I'll return to my senses right away.
Imagine what her car smells like?

8. Free stuffed walrus head
(Father-love!)

This walrus head has been in my family for years. I have never liked it. It was given to me by my father in his will. I'm sure it's his idea of a way to get back at me for my alternative lifestyle that he never aproved of. I'm going to throw this in the dumpster if I don't get rid of it by the end of the week. I can't even sleep with this thing in my house so I'll be awake all night, feel free to give me a call at any time to let me know when you can come pick it up.

9. Litter box cleaning for pancakes
(Which do you think she should get rid of, the pancakes or the cat?)

I have a terrible problem. My litter box is dirty and smells horrible and I don't want to clean it. I am amazing at making pancakes however. I will trade my pancake skills for a clean litter box. Serious inquires only.


•Location: bathroom corner
•Compensation: pancakes. All you can eat!!!
•This is an internship job
•OK to highlight this job opening for persons with disabilities
•Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
•Please, no phone calls about this job!
•Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

10. Orange Popsicles
(He's even conveniently included his own FAQs!!)
 
Okay, it's Craigslist. One day you can have free fill dirt (you haul), the next day it's tons of moving boxes all in good shape.
Well, today it's orange popsicles (all in good shape, you haul).
A regular box of popsicles includes cherry (my favorite), grape (so-so) and orange. I don't like the orange ones. I'm a grown-up and I don't have to eat them if I don't want to. On the other hand I can't bring myself to throw them away and I don't have children or grandchildren living in the area to give them to (assuming they would like them).
I currently have a bunch of orange popsicles in my freezer. If you want them,, let me know. If you are paranoid about them, you probably shouldn't be looking for free things on Craigslist in the first place. However, keep in mind they are all "factory sealed" and whoever takes them probably isn't going to end up on the 6:00 news because they were poisoned to death by orange popsicles.
Someone is going to want these things, so you better hurry. If things work out, maybe we could develop a "popsicles are ready for pickup" relationship whereby I send you an E-mail whenever the freezer overfloweth.
Keep in mind that a box of 24 popsicles costs about $4.50 and you are only getting 1/3 of a box...or in this case 1/3 of several boxes. The point is I don't think you should consider driving from Estes Park for the orange popsicles. However, if you do and you are first, I will give them to you.

FAQ:
Q: Are the orange popsicles sugar free?
A: Do I SOUND like someone why buys sugar free popsicles? No, they aren't.
Q. How many orange popsicles are currently available?
A. As of 3:15 on 1/27 I have 17 of them.
First person to respond gets all of them!

And my own personal favorite:

11. a big healthy shit
(All I can say is HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! Though I wonder if he sold it?)

come and get it while it's still fresh has corn in it from the other night looks to be about a pound looking to trade it for a nice speed boat or something fuck i dont know email me with what your willing to trade 100 bucks takes this awesome keep sake it's a must have trust me!
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