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Disclaimer: If you are easily offended by sheer honesty, or you think me having my own opinions is "being negative", then this is not the place for you, and I suggest you leave and head elsewhere. I call a spade a spade, and I don't sugarcoat anything.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Like Me, Hate Me

Either way, it doesn't matter. But when I've gotten along good with someone so well, losing them as a friend does kinda bother me. I mean, I've lost friends before, some I never look back at, others it does tend to bother me when I lose them as friends. Sometimes I am left to wonder what it was I did. So far, the only friend I ever lost that I felt really bad about was a girl named Jennifer. She was like 6 years older than me, and she and I got along so well! We went places together, she was always so sweet and kind, we even exchanged Christmas gifts, and other little gifts that were given for no special reason. I looked up to her like a sister. There were times I was closer to her than I was to my own sisters! She and I even collaborated a couple of times on stories. We gave each other ideas and all that good stuff. And we both shared a lot of love for animals and nature, and especially a fascination for Dian Fossey. Once she even fixed me up with a boyfriend and she and I went to the theater with our boyfriends, and watched a movie called Cape Fear. The guy she fixed me up with was not bad, but he and I just didn't click. Jennifer wanted to see me have a steady boyfriend, so that's why she brought me and this guy together. This was after my truly steady boyfriend, the one I was about to marry, moved to South Carolina. Or was it North Carolina? Well heck it was one or the other!! I remember he wanted me to move with him, but I just couldn't. That area gets too hot! I like it here. The one incident that I can remember well with her, that totally sealed the friendship between us, was when I lost a favorite book in a rain storm.

I remember it was back in the very early days of 1990, the start of the 90s decade, and on this cold, dark, rainy and windy day I was walking from my class to the bus stop, about to head home. The wind was very fierce! It was so strong, it literally blew my umbrella right out of my hand, and I had a load of books and magazines in my arm at that time. One of the books I had was a magazine I had with an article and pics of Dian Fossey. It was my most favorite book of all. I kept it with me so I could always read it during my free periods. It was a magazine that my previous boyfriend got for me, so it was very special in that way as well. I still remember the day he got it for me, but that's a whole other story I will save for a later post. Well anyway, when that gust of wind knocked my umbrella out of my hand, it also made me drop all my books and magazines and stuff. Another nice guy, who I typically saw at the bus stop there, came over and helped me pick up all my items and even caught my umbrella for me. The wind was strong enough that I just pointed the umbrella back towards the wind and it got back in it's normal position once again, and I continued on to the bus stop to wait for the bus. Well, I was almost positive I had all my stuff once again. So, I went home with a clean conscience.

Well, when I got home, I discovered something terrible. I discovered my favorite magazine was gone! I looked and looked in my pile of books, over and over again, thinking maybe I overlooked it, but no. It was just GONE!! I felt so bad, I layed down in bed, put the covers over my head and cried my eyes out! Anna came rushing into the room wondering why I was crying, and when I told her, her attitude was like "Oh is THAT all you're crying about? Because you lost a stupid magazine??" To Anna, it was just "a stupid magazine." But to me, it was a wonderful and exciting array of pictures and words, put together by Dian Fossey herself, and was given to me as a gift by my ex-fiance, who was now also gone. And it made me sad. Well, Anna wouldn't give me solace, neither would Eva, and pa sure as Hell wouldn't! He accused me of acting like a child, and said he wasn't going to "baby" me anymore! All I was looking for was a shoulder to cry on and the one time I needed him the most, my father was accusing me of acting like a baby??!! It was like a nightmare landscape! I was surrounded by insensitive morons! I did find a wee bit of solace in the computers at the school, where I could sit and write about this horrible night the night before. Even back then, I still always typed my diaries on the computer! Well, at the time, Jennifer and I had just met, so I was still in the "getting to know her before I get too close" phase. Well, she came up and sat next to me at the computer, and asked me how I was and I told her I was miserable. She asked why and I told her of the events that happened the night before on my way home. I was having a typical "woe is me" moment. LOL! Believe me, those moments were rare for me back then!!! But to my surprise, Jennifer offered her alleviation. She put her hand on my shoulder and massaged it in a friendly manner, and told me that it'll be OK. I was half teary-eyed, but I looked at her, and I actually felt the sun shining through. I began to feel progressively better as the day went on. Soon, I was not sad anymore. From that day on, Jennifer was like honey and I was like a bee. We became very good friends after that! Or so I thought, for the following 3 years.

Jennifer and I were friends for about 3 years, then in 1993, something happened. I don't know what happened, but for a while, I tried calling her home and all I ever got was an answering machine. At first I thought nothing about it and left a message, knowing she was always good about returning my messages. So I left a message and waited. I waited for about a week, and still hadn't heard from her. So I called her back and left another message, then hung up and waited again. I cannot tell you how every time I heard the phone ring I hoped it was her returning my call, but it wasn't. I must have tried about 3 more times, each time leaving a message and never heard back from her. The thing is, I have no idea what happened to her! She all of a sudden went from being my best buddy and almost a big sis, to just brushing me off like we had never met before, and I had no idea why. I can only speculate.

One theory I had involved this other guy named Bob, who was looking for a roommate to share his apartment expenses. All I was ever going to become was his roommate, so he and I set up a day and time to meet up and he could interview me. Well, somehow my pa caught wind that I was going to meet someone that I was thinking about moving in with, and he forbade me to go. Unfortunately he was my only way of getting there back then. So if he wasn't going to take me, I couldn't go. I could not call Bob and let him know the circumstances, so I called Jennifer, and got her answering machine. I asked her to tell Bob that I just could not go, and my father would not let me move into his apartment. Whether she told him or not, I have no clue! But I did call and I left that message on Jennifer's answering machine. Maybe she thought I was dissing him? Maybe she never got the message due to some kind of malfunction? Maybe she thought I was making excuses, I don't know.

Another theory I had was that my sis and I put an ad in the local newspaper, and well, someone called one day while the ad was in the paper, and she spoke in a whispery voice. I thought it was Jennifer because she had a sort of whispery voice naturally. So I stayed on the line and talked as if it was her. But the more I talked to this woman, the less she sounded like Jennifer! She was kinda weird!! I didn't say much once she started acting off base, but I knew this was not my friend. So, I asked this young woman what her name is and she answered "Cindy." She never spoke above a whisper, which I thought was odd. I asked her if there was something wrong with her voice and she said no. Then she asked me "You know what I'm doing now?" and I said "What?" Almost knowing what I was going to hear next, and not wanting to hear it!! But Cindy answered, "I'm touching myself." I got pissed and said to her "BIG DEAL!!" and banged the phone up in her ear! Well, wouldn't you know it, the phone rang not too long after that, and I didn't know if it'd be her again, or someone else about the ad. This time though Anna answered the phone. She said a woman spoke, and did sound whispery. Well, Anna wailed into her, saying "I know who you are, you called here earlier and bothered my sister!" She told the person on the phone to get off the phone and never call here again. To this day, I often wondered if that may have been Jennifer? I wish to GOD I knew for sure!! But I have a gut feeling that it was my friend!!

Well, both of those incidents happened within days of each other, and I did notice that after that, Jennifer stopped speaking to me. So it had to have been because of one of those events that she and I are not friends anymore. Anna should have asked for the person's name before going off on her. I wish I had answered the phone instead of Anna!! Because I would have known if the person who called really was Jennifer, or just that prank caller, Cindy. I would be able to tell the difference then. Anna couldn't. She didn't talk to Cindy, I did. And frankly I don't think Cindy would have called back! All I told Anna about Cindy was that she didn't speak above a whisper and the things she said and how weird she sounded. Well, at first I thought she was Jennifer. I was kindof expecting her to call because of the message I left on her answering machine about Bob a couple of days before. Jennifer too, like I said, had a whispered voice, for her it was natural. So that was why at first I thought Cindy was Jennifer. Well, for a long time I felt bad about losing the friendship with Jennifer, simply because we were such great friends for so long.

I've grown harder in my old age, and now, losing friends only means something if I've known them for a long time and got along so well with them. This also includes no feelings of treachery coming from them, which I have a sixth sense about. I've been around enough phony people to know when they are going behind my back and saying or doing shit that they shouldn't. And I can literally "feel" if a person holds any degree of resentment towards me, even if they do act nice to my face. Even on the internet! I just have impeccable instincts. Well, one person who I am Facebook friends with, she posted a video about lions up a few days ago. A day, or so, before that she posted a video about the club-winged mannakin, which is a very interesting bird. I love birds a lot! Still hoping to get some of my own. But I hate lions. Well, this person doesn't seem to like the idea that I don't like lions. I told her my favorite animals are lemurs. Well, they are! She keeps asking me why I don't like lions, and I already told her. She didn't know what lemurs are, so I told her to do a search for them, well she did, and came back with this video of a tarsier opening it's eyes slowly. A tarsier is almost a lemur, kind of an intermediate between lemurs and monkeys. But they are not strepsirrhines like lemurs are. So, she seemed to want to know more about lemurs, and asked me to chip in more information. Well, I didn't have time to do it last night, so I waited until today, when I had a spare second or two, and I posted on her wall a couple of pics I had of sifakas, which are my most favorite lemurs.

Really, it is my decision, no one else's. All I ask of my friends is not much, but that they understand that I feel the way I feel, and I cannot change. I've heard all the arguments about lions from biased panther-lovers, I've even been called every name in the book by the more uneducated versions of panther-lovers! NONE of it has any impact on how I feel about panthers. Well, tonight, this friend asked me what my 3 most favorite animals in the world are, and to summarize why I love these animals.
Well, my 3 most favorite animals that I can name right off the bat are lemurs, dolphins and otters, pretty much in that order. All these animals have one special thing in common, they are happy, lively animals that seem to epitomize the joy of living. Dolphins and lemurs even have an extra bit of a personality bonus: They can sing! And they sing really well! As good as any human. Lions? What do they do all day? Nothing but eat, shit and sleep, and they kill for fun. When a lion kills a hyena, do you think they are going to eat it? If you do then think again. When a whole troupe of lions brings down an elephant, do you think they will eat the whole 9-ton carcass? Again, think again. A whole pack of lions may consume about 300 pounds (thinking of maybe a pack of 30 lions). What's left? They leave behind about 95% of the carcass to scavengers. So IMO, lions do kill for fun. They are no better than poachers are in human society. IMO, lions don't even have any compensating qualities. They're still ugly as sin. They try to croak out some sounds, but I've heard more melodious noises come from a dying cow. Sorry, but nothing anyone can say will make me like lions ever again.
************NEVERMIND!!! It was all a joke! And a good one on me! LOL! :P
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