Disclaimer: If you are easily offended by sheer honesty, or you think me having my own opinions is "being negative", then this is not the place for you, and I suggest you leave and head elsewhere. I call a spade a spade, and I don't sugarcoat anything.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Who's Next? Dad? No!

I am writing this with an aching heart. I knew it had to happen someday. But knowing that does not change how bad I feel. As of this time and date, my father has only days to live. Earlier this year, he was struck down with a rare variety of skin cancer. Cancer is usually a scary word. This time it wasn't just a cancer, it was a rare variety of cancer. Very rare. Most people who get those kinds usually do not survive. I called him several times a month over the past year to see how he's doing. The man is strong and tough as nails. I don't know for sure if he was just putting up a front for me or what. But his attitude was always like "If I can get cured, great! If I can't, then it's GOD's choice." He went through radiation treatment with no problems, but the cancer kept coming back. He's gone through 2 rounds of chemo with no success. For a while there, it looked like he was going to make it. The radiation treatment worked for a while.But the cancer was just too vicious.

The day I left Astoria, Kathy sent us a message saying that dad had one more chance to make it, with a new kind of chemo treatment that is not FDA approved yet. But they were going to try it on him. By that time, the skin cancer had spread to his bones. That almost always means bad news. When I heard the news, I almost started crying. But I sat up and thought to myself "I cannot deal with this right now! I will cry when I get into my new apartment." I was still in the middle of packing my things into my moving truck. I didn't have time to bawl my eyes out. I had no idea then that it would take a whole month to get into my new apartment.

I called dad a couple times while I was in the shelter, and he still sounded ready and willing to go if the good LORD decided it was his time. I kept telling him I am not ready for him to go. He laughed and would say "Well, if the LORD wants to take me, I have to go." Well, this past week, dad has been rapidly going downhill. Seems the chemo he receives makes things worse. Not better. But I was so amazed how he just takes it all in stride! I like to think I would if I were in his position. But now, the cancer has spread to his liver and pancreas, and that is REALLY bad!! It's happening so fast now, I'm not so sure I know how to cope with it. Kathy says if we were to see him, he may not recognize us. He is experiencing the symptoms of dementia. That just does not sound like my father! He's always been clear and sound of mind. Well, I have to take the red-eye to Phoenix because I want to see him one last time. If he's going to go, he's going to go knowing I love him. Even after all the battles we had when I was younger. Even after the treatment I got from him that time I stayed at his place for the weekend when I lived in Ocean Shores. That all doesn't matter to me now. I just hope he is still living when I get there.

I always remember my father being so energetic. He was a runner, he loved the outdoors, he did camping all the time on weekends. He was always laughing. That's probably one thing I inherited from him. He was always singing. He would take a popular song, twist the words around and make it sound funny. He was no professional singer, he mostly sang for comedy relief. Also he had this funny dance he would do, he was always dancing. He always ate right, he never ate beef, he ate lots of veggies and fruits. Why this is happening to him, I'll never know. But it does prove that diet has no impact on getting some types of cancer. I don't want my father to go! It's totally breaking my heart! But at least I know he is not sad about it. He has faith. He's going to greet them in Heaven with a smile on his face and a song on his lips. I know he will. He only has days to live. In fact, he'll probably be dead by the time I get back home. If not before. But he says his life was a great one, and he is ready to meet our sweet LORD.


mikessa said...

There are so many things I never told him and stuff that I regret ever saying to dad. I don't hate him, I could never hate him. He gave us life. But I was just sooooo mad at him because he never let us grow up, especially after he and ma divorced. I was blaming dad for that. Now I regret everything I ever said to him that was bad. I'm asking for his forgiveness.

I think they should play that one song at his funeral. I just wish I could find out the name of it. It was his favorite when we were kids, and he always used to change the lyrics. John might know, he knows a lotta oldies. The only thing I know was that I once heard it when I was about 3 or 4, I only remember the music, but not the lyrics. Song is so old that you don't hear it anymore. I now have the urge to think if I ever heard that song again, I'll think of dad and that funny little dance he did.

See you in a couple of days

TimGal said...

We were horrible kids! We both said things that now we wished we hadn't. This puts things in perspective, for sure. Petty little things don't matter to me anymore.