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Disclaimer: If you are easily offended by sheer honesty, or you think me having my own opinions is "being negative", then this is not the place for you, and I suggest you leave and head elsewhere. I call a spade a spade, and I don't sugarcoat anything.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

The Emotional Triggers

Ya know something? Katrina opened my eyes again with a post she made here and on Tim-Hutch-Love. I cannot even believe I had forgotten about this. Katrina and I have been friends forever. But she has also been more than that to me. She's also been a lot like a little sister to me too. I remember when I first met her dad back in the early 90s, after I got out of high school, and we even became boyfriend/girlfriend for a while. Katrina was only 5 years old back then, and she had just lost her mom to ovarian cancer (There's that damn word again!!!!!!!!!!) UGH! Makes me mad! Anyways, they were new to the states, and I was in love with her father for a while. I also took Katrina under my wing, so to speak. For those literal folks reading, I do not really have wings! But I took Katrina in almost like a daughter. At 5 years old, she was smart as a whip! That's why I took to her. She was not like most other 5 year olds. When her father and I stopped dating, we didn't lose touch. We remained friends. Partly because I fell in love with babying Katrina. I was not looking to take the place of her mom, I just wanted to be someone she could turn to if she needed a female role-model around. Her father even allowed her to come live with me and my big sis for a while when she was 15 through 18. I even introduced her to INXS's music. She was about 10 when Michael died. She learned to love INXS through me.

Anyways, she knows I never tried to take her mom's place. But one thing Katrina never really did was grieve for her mom. She was too young to know what went on. I think, in some small way, Katrina thought I was her motherly figure. So, she never really grieved for her real mother. It wasn't until she was older that she went back to her original homeland to visit her mother's grave site that it hit her, and she was 20 years old at that time. But again, she was young, and it didn't hit her as hard. Of course she cried some, but she did not go through the heavy-step grieving process. I guess this is what happens when you get older. After I read her post in Tim-Hutch Love, I started thinking about all the times I have grieved over lost loved ones. Then I went back to a post I made here back in September, after my pa died, titled "The Grieving Process". BOY! Do I know me well or not?! I went through the initial shock, then the point where I was crying every 10 minutes, and then through a period of intense cheerfulness, and then through the part of being a total jerk! I knew it was going to happen! I've been through it before. I went through it after my grandma died, after my Groucho died, and now again after my pa died. It seems to always happen after anyone who means anything to me dies, and it has gotten worse as I got older.

I was rather young myself when Michael died back in 1997, and he meant everything to me. I was also in love with him once, and at the time he died, I had fallen in love with him again. I was beginning to. The initial shock lasted a few hours, then the part of crying every 10 minutes began. And up until Michael died, I almost NEVER cried!!! Not since before my teenage years anyways! But Michael's death, I believe, broke me emotionally. I had lost a dog I had for 14 years just a few months before Michael died, and I didn't cry nearly as much as I did when Michael died. I even lost a boyfriend in a car accident around the same time I lost the dog. I did cry, but not as much as I did when Michael died. I think maybe, Michael's death was just like the final slap in the face for 1997. I lost too many people/animals I loved that year. Michael was like the final straw that broke the camel's back. This year, 2016, the world lost a lot of people, public figures. None of them meant anything to me. I'm not happy they are dead, but none of them struck me as emotionally as when Michael died. I saw their deaths as mostly signaling the end of my childhood years. But then my father died. And it was like when Michael died all over again. It broke me emotionally. I've spent the last 2 months doing nothing but trying to find peace with it.

As is typical with my own grieving process, I can become an asshole (or a hemorrhoid)! Poor Rita Love has received the brunt of it because we have done the most PMing back and forth for the past 2 months. She has tried to tell me how happy she has been, and I've ignored and/or made fun of her. Talking to Katrina today, I know that was wrong of me. When I saw her post in the group, it was like little chimes that went off. It snapped me back to that memory of when her mom died and she was too young to know what was going on. The innocence she displayed that day we first met. Then I thought of when I lost Michael, and how I never recovered from that. I grew old from that moment on. I had become a 100-year old woman trapped in a 23-year old body. Then when I lost grandma in 2001, and Groucho in 2006, and then my dad this year. I knew the emotional roller coaster was coming! I predicted it, based on how I've been in the past after losing someone I loved. There are going to be times I can be a total jerk! A pig! An asshole. Whatever you want to call it. But it was bound to happen. I hadn't cried in 19 hours, and then I saw Katrina's post about her mom on Tim-Hutch Love, and it got me started again because I had completely forgotten about that!!!

I remember this past year, one of my (former) friends from Facebook and I saw her videos on YouTube too, lost her mom as well. I tried to be there for her. She went through periods where she was very despondent and often did not come back to Facebook. I told her to just take all the time she needs to recover. I know how hard it is. I told her her REAL friends will understand. And I was one of those. Well, I was understanding of her, but apparently she didn't want to show me the same understanding. But like I said, it happens among people. But at least, once again, it shows what kind of friends they are. Not what kind of friend I am. OK Katrina, rant over! LOL! Back to what I talked about before; Dogs. Maybe I will talk about the breeds I've been looking into getting next. Probably won't be a chihuahua or a papillon. I think I want to go ALL different this next time I build up my family.
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